Happy Father’s Day

"He's Libertarian."
"So, he's sexually immoral?"
"No, that's libertine."
"He's telling people to shush?"
"No, that's a librarian."

Jeez, Kath and Kim are looking terrible these days.

PARADOX TIME!

I won't eat canned tuna because it reminds me of cat food.

Combos look like dog treats, however, and I just ate a whole bag of them.

The most qualified candidate at the convention. Thank you.

My relationship goal is to have one like Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson's. Obviously I'm not a lesbian — hold your jokes! — but they seem to have such a fun time together. And look at who they're friends with! How do I get in on this?

Unless I am Springsteen, Tony Danza, or maybe Diana Ross, it's a bit much to call me "boss" three times within a 30-second pizza transaction.

Even in 1979, Carol Kane playing a high school student / babysitter was a bit of a stretch. She looked the same age as the woman who played the mother (who's played by Rutanya Alda, Carol Ann from "Mommie Dearest," by the by).

Have you checked the children?

It's funny how I'll reassure people that it's okay for them to be emotional. But the second I get emotional, I'm embarrassed by it.

Next year I'm just handing out Velamints and Coffee Nips.

I don’t work in an office anymore, but when I did, I declined after-work invitations with explanations that included:

1. I have fish defrosting at home.

and

2. I’m gonna hang out with my cat.

Two separate times, and I was telling the truth each time.

Show me your weaner.

Housesitting for a family whose au pair arrived while they're away. She asked me for help with the washing machine. She's never used one; she's only ever washed clothes by hand.

What a reminder how lucky we are.

I wouldn’t say I’m horny on Main. I’m more horny on Maple Drive.

This movie is bringing out a douchy side to people from whom I had expected better.

You’re not more manly for not going to see Barbie. And you’re not more manly for being covered in tattoos and having a huge beard, either.

Be patient with me.