Mayor Floyd Huffman
@hammertownusa.bsky.social
Mayor, Hammertown (The Hammer Capital of the USA)
Re-elected by an historic margin, 2024*
*Fact check: Finished narrowly ahead of local community college mascot Ol' Hammerhead
hammertownusa.substack.com
@billbarol.bsky.social
Re-elected by an historic margin, 2024*
*Fact check: Finished narrowly ahead of local community college mascot Ol' Hammerhead
hammertownusa.substack.com
@billbarol.bsky.social
Delivery robots are not "cute." They are dangerous Death Machines! This administration has pledged to wipe them from the face of the earth and with your help will succeed! If you see one scuttling down your street, call the police! If you see something, say something! Better yet, kill it with fire!
December 3, 2025 at 7:49 PM
Delivery robots are not "cute." They are dangerous Death Machines! This administration has pledged to wipe them from the face of the earth and with your help will succeed! If you see one scuttling down your street, call the police! If you see something, say something! Better yet, kill it with fire!
Our great Director of Public Health Tamara Fleason MA is doing an incredible job! She's a Leading Authority on the effects of "Ill Humours" and tiny demons who live in the blood, and under her brilliant leadership a child who's in school today can expect to live to 200 or even older! Thank you!
December 3, 2025 at 7:44 PM
Our great Director of Public Health Tamara Fleason MA is doing an incredible job! She's a Leading Authority on the effects of "Ill Humours" and tiny demons who live in the blood, and under her brilliant leadership a child who's in school today can expect to live to 200 or even older! Thank you!
Washed-up "singer" Rance Devers, who doesn't have any Talent, will never again perform within the city limits, as ordered by Your Mayor! His record sales and streaming numbers are THROUGH THE FLOOR. The so-called "Bard of the Waukachuk" can go croak his protest songs elsewhere! Or just croak! #burn
December 3, 2025 at 7:32 PM
Washed-up "singer" Rance Devers, who doesn't have any Talent, will never again perform within the city limits, as ordered by Your Mayor! His record sales and streaming numbers are THROUGH THE FLOOR. The so-called "Bard of the Waukachuk" can go croak his protest songs elsewhere! Or just croak! #burn
Ol' Hammerhead (the mascot of Waukachuk Community College) has really "hit the skids." His face (the part you can see) is all red and bloated. Is he "on the sauce" again? Your Mayor knows the Real Story! Many people would be shocked to learn the ugly truth about this creep in a dirty costume!
December 3, 2025 at 7:28 PM
Ol' Hammerhead (the mascot of Waukachuk Community College) has really "hit the skids." His face (the part you can see) is all red and bloated. Is he "on the sauce" again? Your Mayor knows the Real Story! Many people would be shocked to learn the ugly truth about this creep in a dirty costume!
Effective immediately, all Shopping Carts at the HandyMart on West Decker are now city property and may be used by city officials for any purpose they see fit, including planters, storage of small loose objects and large-scale holiday art installations! Thank you for your attention!
December 3, 2025 at 7:23 PM
Effective immediately, all Shopping Carts at the HandyMart on West Decker are now city property and may be used by city officials for any purpose they see fit, including planters, storage of small loose objects and large-scale holiday art installations! Thank you for your attention!
Happy Memorial Day to all! Except, of course, Dangerous Radical Troublemakers and disloyal friends who take beer money to do simple tasks and can't even get it right! Like this guy. He was a Loser! And don't think I've forgotten about No-Talent "Singer" Rance Devers, who has treated me so unfairly!
May 26, 2025 at 8:14 PM
Happy Memorial Day to all! Except, of course, Dangerous Radical Troublemakers and disloyal friends who take beer money to do simple tasks and can't even get it right! Like this guy. He was a Loser! And don't think I've forgotten about No-Talent "Singer" Rance Devers, who has treated me so unfairly!
The investigation continues into Dangerous Radical Alice Dugan, who hides behind her multiple "Teacher of the Year" awards while she savagely attacks your Mayor! Ask yourselves, would a real "art teacher" allow her students to make Huffman heads out of meltable and Highly Toxic plaster? Very unfair!
This Week in Hammertown #5
It's Thursday, May 22, 2025, day 248 of Huff 2
hammertownusa.substack.com
May 23, 2025 at 7:29 PM
The investigation continues into Dangerous Radical Alice Dugan, who hides behind her multiple "Teacher of the Year" awards while she savagely attacks your Mayor! Ask yourselves, would a real "art teacher" allow her students to make Huffman heads out of meltable and Highly Toxic plaster? Very unfair!
My Team has discovered that so-called "working class hero" Rance Devers is a DANGEROUS RADICAL LAWBREAKER who borrowed a "fake book" from your public library in 1986 and NEVER RETURNED IT. As you know, the library will soon be shut down and its building converted to a Dave & Buster's... (1/2)
May 21, 2025 at 5:18 PM
My Team has discovered that so-called "working class hero" Rance Devers is a DANGEROUS RADICAL LAWBREAKER who borrowed a "fake book" from your public library in 1986 and NEVER RETURNED IT. As you know, the library will soon be shut down and its building converted to a Dave & Buster's... (1/2)
I understand that I've been Brutally Attacked by fading "singer" Rance Devers, who is NOT TALENTED, from the stage of the Waukachuk Melody Tent. Plus he's all leathery and wears "lifts" in his shoes! And all his so-called songs sound alike! This should not be allowed! My team will investigate!
May 21, 2025 at 4:09 PM
I understand that I've been Brutally Attacked by fading "singer" Rance Devers, who is NOT TALENTED, from the stage of the Waukachuk Melody Tent. Plus he's all leathery and wears "lifts" in his shoes! And all his so-called songs sound alike! This should not be allowed! My team will investigate!
Don't believe anything you read! The so-called "incident" at the old solar farm was actually a brilliant piece of Performance Art by Your Mayor! In addition to being a savvy businessman and a Beloved Husband, I'm also a great artist! The Phony Media can't "wrap their heads" around my genius!
"By the time passersby noticed what was happening, it was too late. The giant sculptural heads of the mayor had melted and collapsed, causing one shaken onlooker to remark that they looked like 'if those statues on Easter Island were made out of Mister Softee.'”
This Week in Hammertown #4
It's Thursday, May 15, 2025, day 241 of Huff 2
substack.com
May 15, 2025 at 5:06 PM
Don't believe anything you read! The so-called "incident" at the old solar farm was actually a brilliant piece of Performance Art by Your Mayor! In addition to being a savvy businessman and a Beloved Husband, I'm also a great artist! The Phony Media can't "wrap their heads" around my genius!
I don't appreciate my late Father being maligned in this post, which is False Reporting! He was a business genius and a True Visionary who raised a highly successful and intelligent Son! Also, I can remember as many as one separate occasions when he told me he loved me and was proud of me!
Today in Hammertown History: May 13
An occasional feature from the files of the Hammertown Historical Society
hammertownusa.substack.com
May 14, 2025 at 6:37 PM
I don't appreciate my late Father being maligned in this post, which is False Reporting! He was a business genius and a True Visionary who raised a highly successful and intelligent Son! Also, I can remember as many as one separate occasions when he told me he loved me and was proud of me!
The Crooked Jerks who oppose my Big Plans for Hammertown are going nuts just because the government of Mercersville is gifting our town with a lightly-used Fleetwood Bounder! Remember, it isn't being given to me, exactly (the pink slip will be made out to the Huffman Family Trust for legal reasons).
May 12, 2025 at 5:50 PM
The Crooked Jerks who oppose my Big Plans for Hammertown are going nuts just because the government of Mercersville is gifting our town with a lightly-used Fleetwood Bounder! Remember, it isn't being given to me, exactly (the pink slip will be made out to the Huffman Family Trust for legal reasons).
I'm hearing some citizens think a 17-year-old high school student is "too young" to serve as Our Town's interim Social Services director. Timmy was hand selected by efficiency czar Zane Trogdon and that's good enough for Your Mayor! Zane has Big Ideas! People who "think small" will be very sorry!
News and Notes #3
The library book sale, a new interim head for Social Services and more
hammertownusa.substack.com
May 9, 2025 at 7:10 PM
I'm hearing some citizens think a 17-year-old high school student is "too young" to serve as Our Town's interim Social Services director. Timmy was hand selected by efficiency czar Zane Trogdon and that's good enough for Your Mayor! Zane has Big Ideas! People who "think small" will be very sorry!
I look forward to meeting with the new pope! My very busy schedule means I won't be able to travel to Rome, but my Team has reached out to his people and I expect to have Big News about a papal visit to Hammertown very soon! The Holy Father and I have Much To Discuss!
May 8, 2025 at 7:25 PM
I look forward to meeting with the new pope! My very busy schedule means I won't be able to travel to Rome, but my Team has reached out to his people and I expect to have Big News about a papal visit to Hammertown very soon! The Holy Father and I have Much To Discuss!
Don't forget to sign up for Nextdoor Hammertown! It's a great way to keep up with what your neighbors are up to. Your Mayor and his Alert and Inquisitive PD use it too. And Greta S., we'll be sending some officers around to your home on Pulaski Way to make sure you got the message.
From Nextdoor: Hammertown
Occasional highlights from your local community app
hammertownusa.substack.com
May 7, 2025 at 4:54 PM
Don't forget to sign up for Nextdoor Hammertown! It's a great way to keep up with what your neighbors are up to. Your Mayor and his Alert and Inquisitive PD use it too. And Greta S., we'll be sending some officers around to your home on Pulaski Way to make sure you got the message.
My Team is investigating the possibility of slapping a 100 no wait hang on a THREE HUNDRED PERCENT surcharge on goods coming into our town from Parker's Hollow. "But wait!" you say. "How can anything, even a Big and Powerful Surcharge, be more than 100% of something? That's not possible!"
May 6, 2025 at 1:26 AM
My Team is investigating the possibility of slapping a 100 no wait hang on a THREE HUNDRED PERCENT surcharge on goods coming into our town from Parker's Hollow. "But wait!" you say. "How can anything, even a Big and Powerful Surcharge, be more than 100% of something? That's not possible!"
I'm excited for you to see the fantastic, incredible tributes to Your Mayor from the young artists of the Art 4 Kidz afterschool program. I knew their work was going to make an inspiring Public Amenity from the minute I licensed my likeness to the school district. Watch this space for the location!
May 5, 2025 at 3:04 AM
I'm excited for you to see the fantastic, incredible tributes to Your Mayor from the young artists of the Art 4 Kidz afterschool program. I knew their work was going to make an inspiring Public Amenity from the minute I licensed my likeness to the school district. Watch this space for the location!
The so-called "journalists" at Hammertown Community Radio rarely "get it right," but as they say, even a stopped clock is good for telling the time sometimes: Huff-Glow interior latex paint is tops for smooth coverage in just one coat! It's the paint with Your Mayor's name right on the can!
News and Notes #2
Art-4-Kidz, the mayor's Fresh Start program and more
open.substack.com
May 2, 2025 at 11:38 PM
The so-called "journalists" at Hammertown Community Radio rarely "get it right," but as they say, even a stopped clock is good for telling the time sometimes: Huff-Glow interior latex paint is tops for smooth coverage in just one coat! It's the paint with Your Mayor's name right on the can!
We still have a nice selection of HuffBlow rechargeable leaf blowers on sale at reasonable prices, and if you're not a nasty person who treats me very unfairly, I'll even autograph yours. Stop by the patio at Fonda del Barril and pick yours out today. They're made in America, as far as I know!
April 30, 2025 at 9:30 PM
We still have a nice selection of HuffBlow rechargeable leaf blowers on sale at reasonable prices, and if you're not a nasty person who treats me very unfairly, I'll even autograph yours. Stop by the patio at Fonda del Barril and pick yours out today. They're made in America, as far as I know!
Zane Trogdon, our great Efficiency Czar, is doing an incredible job! Nobody talks about this, but books are known to be the worst dust catchers in our communities. So when Zane ordered the Hammertown Public Library to sell off its whole collection, he was making a huge contribution to Public Health!
April 30, 2025 at 2:14 AM
Zane Trogdon, our great Efficiency Czar, is doing an incredible job! Nobody talks about this, but books are known to be the worst dust catchers in our communities. So when Zane ordered the Hammertown Public Library to sell off its whole collection, he was making a huge contribution to Public Health!
I've directed our great Police Chief Tate to launch an Immediate Investigation into the FRAUDS and LIARS at the Hammertown News & Times! Their so-called "polls" are 100% FICTION, their recipes are terrible (especially the Tuna casserole) and their Sudoku is TOO HARD. We will make them do better!
April 28, 2025 at 8:36 PM
I've directed our great Police Chief Tate to launch an Immediate Investigation into the FRAUDS and LIARS at the Hammertown News & Times! Their so-called "polls" are 100% FICTION, their recipes are terrible (especially the Tuna casserole) and their Sudoku is TOO HARD. We will make them do better!