Or is it that they think Saying a kind-sounding phrase is equivalent to a Real Kindness so just Saying something is Doing something

So their actions can work toward the opposite effect at all times in blatant hypocritical contrast to their words, and that does not bear questioning?

How do I interpret this?

Is it that they never mean anything they say

or are they just so inept they can only ever achieve the opposite of whatever they intended

Their brand of “you’re no good for anything to us but that’s ok what matters is that you’re happy!” pseudo-egalitarian charity

is as good as telling me my existence has no use or significance.

So it will not make any difference at all for it to end.

That is not any kind of kindness.

That is a toxic dynamic—not beneficial in either direction.

I just feel devoid of worth and miserable in their company.

And whether I am there makes no difference to them. My disappearing from their life makes no difference.

Anyone who lets me know directly or indirectly that I have failed to serve their benefit in any meaningful way—big or small—I have to break off from.

Why would I stay around people who make me feel like a burden they are just tolerating out of charity because they’re so “kind?”

It's always like this though, with such issues....Incompetents will sit there and waste your whole life plus their own, creating mutual misery and frustration and zero benefit to anyone

Then you just hit upon the one smart and capable person who fixes the supposedly impossible issue instantly.

And then he took the time to quickly and efficiently answer my annoying clarification questions regarding minutiae of what I should do to ensure it goes without issue this time

which the previous incompetent people either ignored or answered inadequately or impatiently dismissed.

However I maintained a "whatever I don't give a fuck" attitude about it and consulted a new person about it via a different channel later

and that person was instantly able to fix the issue so that I am able to proceed.....He took all of 2 minutes.

Made zero progress. Just pure drain of time and energy and morale—

and from consulting all of the complaints from other people online of all the myriad things that went wrong for them in the same process, gained only misgivings about whether every step in this process is going to be like this.

I have found so often all it takes to be rated Excellent (or Excessive) is to do the bare minimum when nobody else cares to do even that.

Maybe my "bare minimum" effort is just already a lot more than average people's "best"

so when I start to exert beyond my "bare minimum" it's immediately in the territory of Excessive.

The solution the universe is suggesting seems to be to Stop making effort at anything, never be passionate about anything

just approach everything with the attitude of "This doesn't matter to me at all and I don't give a fuck what happens to it."

This has applied to tests, to friendships, to work...

When I put in exceptional and passionate Effort because I saw it as important and truly wanted it to go well, the more I just ended up being punished for that passion and effort. Every time.

Would have been extra insane with makgeolli but I held off bc almost all makgeolli is sweetened, and I wanted to get dessert today

Be they cheap toxic goods, or cheap toxic food—

or cheap toxic people who pretend to be your friends as long as it benefits them, and then play clueless and aloof once they got all they need out of you and they no longer value you.

Possibly I was in a chronic state of overwhelm from too many pressures and distractions and temptations.

Now that I have cut out all the shiny-but-actually-worthless crap and reduced and simplified my whole life—everything feels more clear and manageable, and competing interests are much fewer.

Feels like I’m working with a completely different BRAIN in recent years—I cannot fathom what the hell I was on in prior years that made everything feel so much harder.