“i mourn for those who never knew you.”

i love you, boss. forever my chunky monkey. forever daddy’s boy. ❤️

i pick you up tomorrow to bring you back home. i cleared off the shelf on our side of the bed and have your favorite toys and blanket waiting for you.

i know it’s gonna break me to hold you again but i’m ready to have you home again. because home isn’t home without you there. it never will be.

i know i carry you with me wherever i go now. i know im not alone because your mom, brothers, tios, and grandma and grandpa have been the arms when i needed to be held up.

but i miss you, bubba bear. more than i could ever put into words. this pit in my stomach and heart eat away at me.

no amount of reading or advice could prepare me for the actuality of this type of grief. the big things to the littlest details. there are moments where i swear i can feel your head on my lap. or you by my side whenever i walk.

but then i look down and there is just nothing.

i don’t wanna annoy anyone by continuing to bring you up. i feel guilt even tho i know i have no reason to.

it’s hard to find enjoyment in my regular conversations as much as i love the foundation of people i have in my life and i know it’s due to my grief.

[final]

Boss, thank you for letting me be the one to hold your paw as a puppy during a thunderstorm. thank you for letting me put a lucha mask on you to pop your tio’s in the group chat. thank you for letting me be your dad. i love you forever, bubba bear.

“someday, i’ll walk you in the park.”

[6/?]

i’ll never be able to repay what my boy did for me. but i spent every day loving him and taking care of him when he needed me most. i wouldn’t trade these past ten years for anything. not even to rid the hurt i feel right now.

because at least i got to be the companion to the best boy.

[5/?]

i know in the end, i did what was right. but it doesn’t make it hurt less. but i know that’s unfortunately the beauty in a beloved pet. you love them so dearly knowing that one day, sooner than any would like, that you’d have to say goodbye.

[4/?]

yesterday was the scheduled day for him to be out to sleep. the hardest day of my entire life. a decision you never want to make but a decision that is only right and fair to your companion. i did not want my boy to enter suffering territory and that path seemed to be on the approach quickly.

[3/?]

i don’t feel super comfortable sharing his entire prognosis but at the root of it, the strong belief is cushings disease. for about two years, i believe he lived with this. we managed, with medications and supplements. inevitably tho, it just got progressively worse.

[2/?]

from whatever choices in life that I made, good or bad, he was there. he saved my life, i’m not ashamed to say that. gave me a purpose to wake up. a reason to come home. eventually, i figured my shit out and we were in a more stable home.

then he started getting sick.