About to commandeer the airport terminal piano to play John Cage’s 4’33”.

You haven’t *really* been home until you’ve had to open the metal cookie tin that now holds The Good Scissors, seven Mystery Keys, and a plastic nightcrawler from that time you went fishing in 1994.

“You’ll be visited by three spirits.”

The three spirits:

I’ve just finished ‘Black Doves’ on Netflix and I think the most unrealistic part is that any kid would be excited about getting a Spurs shirt for Christmas.

COLE PALMER USES HIS MATE’S SPOTIFY 😂

I have been trying to set up a fight with Malcolm Gladwell for years. Here’s your tipping point, bitch.

The undisputed winner of the Jake Paul-Mike Tyson fight:

Slipped on a discarded bag of Grüns on my run this morning. Glad to know there are probiotic-conscious litterers out there.

Now OBSESSED with the woman behind me on the flight from Tokyo to Atlanta who said that the in-flight pasta was “to die for.” Desperately need to know what she normally eats. Or if she’s ever eaten any other food at all???

We went to see the Doobie Brothers last night. If you've ever wondered what divorce sounds like, it's their saxophone player.

Not mad about Tudor’s Biscuit World coming at us with edible dad jokes.

One day you’re young and cool, the next you’ve named every goldfinch at your feeder, and you’re worried because you haven’t seen Keith since Thursday.

My interest in July 4 is the exact length of the Official Theme Song of the 1994 World Cup, and not one second longer.

I have joined this site for two reasons: to talk about my fantasy soccer team and to challenge Malcolm Gladwell to a fistfight.