also it doesn't help i never feel like anyone would wanna actually "go out" with me

and being as awkward as i am irl, i feel like that's a huge barrier for me as well? i love the idea of physical contact but i'm so weird about it irl

more to the point i guess i have no idea how to differentiate a "relationship" from a really good friendship.

to be clear i am no longer on their patreon and haven't been for a month or two, after a couple months of radio silence i was like "they're not getting back to me huh"

feelin it again

mind you it's been YEARS since this. it's just been fucking me up ever since and i wish it would just stop. i wish i could stop caring about it so much

i wanna say at one point one or a few of em like softblocked me on twitter. a long while ago. and that's given me this whole awful feeling ever since

specifically like, cut me out of their circle? i don't really have hard evidence of this, just sort of vibes, and it's one of those things where i don't feel like i can ask anyway even if i were to ever try and be friends again, not that i would because these thoughts are already weighing on my head

i mean yes there's definitely some FOMO and bad feels from people doing stuff like that (AAA titles) but this is... more specific and weird, i guess.

oh that i couldn't care less about tbh, i mean like something relatively obscure that sounds actually interesting and i've seen several people in my circle talking about but i don't actually know where to find it and by the time i kinda get clued in aforementioned feelings happen

Many Such Cases

i wish i were cool

and like, not following them wouldn't help because they're still kinda in the same spheres as me, so i'd be seeing them anyway. i follow because idk, i'm a dipshit who loves suffering or something