Thought 4: I don't get why most people don't check their large carry on when offered. It's so much easier! I feel like this is somehow tied to individualism.

Thought 3: Maybe the headache is in fact caused by the afformentioned nu metal instrumental

Thought 2: Can you get a caffeine headache from drinking caffeine rather than withdrawal? Cause I just had my coffee, and now I have a headache

Moka pot is the highest floor. You will pretty much always get something decent out of it. If you pre-boil the water it's also the fastest imo.
Depending on your taste, you can go super dark pre-ground (e.g. Cafe Bustelo) or get the cheapest grinder you can find and some decent beans.