Peaceful morning in the garden. Sun shining, birds singing - all calm, except the rake and the hoe, still not talking after that business behind the potting shed

Every morning at breakfast, I share my egg on toast with Winston. Not once, in ten-years, has he ever said thank you. The ungrateful little sod

How wrong can you be, when you stagger home at 3am and think an early breakfast will cure your hangover?

Overweight? Eeh oop, lad, those pies ‘ad t’go somewhere. This belly’s been keepin’ me oopright since before the blitz. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it