I COULD be using that game-time on developing skills. Yes, I COULD. But I don’t. I fucking don’t and I don’t understand why. Why not! Why are you so fucking lazy! Why are you so fucking lazy!

Most of the times I’m playing video games anymore is just to do something. Something other than just rot in my bed thinking about concepts that are conceptually cool enough to satisfy myself, but never ever ever working on them to make it real.

I just want to do stuff. I want to get skilled at creating in anything and. Just leave something behind, anything. I just want to use this potential of creativity for something, but what good is it if it’s going to be so overburdened by laziness and desires.

I think that’s my issue. Probably? I just can’t motivate myself to do ANYTHING. Some assignments are so easy but I just couldn’t bother to turn them in. I did the work. I did it all! I checked it but I just didn’t turn assignments in because I was so lazy.
Being lazy sucks! I want to do stuff!!!

Seriously though. If I can’t do anything I might as well just die than be a leech to my parent who works so hard.
I guess. I graduated or something. I did OK. It’s not what I wanted, I could’ve done better. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I can’t push myself hard enough.

Because like. Fuck! I guess if I’m not going to create because I’m too much of a goddamn moron pleasured by simple desires I might as well just die than just be a drone that funnels money into. I don’t know.. Perfume and luxury bags.

but I really want to create. This part of me does, at least. But it’s just. The other side is so easily satisfied by the thoughts in my head, they don’t need it to be real or anything. It’s just.
I don’t know. I don’t know a whole kot. I don’t know what to do anymore. Where do I even get a job at?

The worst part is when I want to expand and draw the ideas in my head I have to actually think about the ideas and then I get lost in my head thinking about my ideas because it’s just so much easier than trying to make those ideas real

I don’t understand why I never feel the *need* to create. I really want to! I do. But I can just. think about the stuff, and that satisfies me. Almost.

I mean. like. disgust level speaking
like what the fuck! is wrong with you!
get out there and have some normal ass sex you goddamn loser!