the way i sat up like... pardon?? replayed the clip of it i saved and im tryna analyze it like... "is that him?? aint no way... but who else if not-" fjdkjsdjf glad im not the only one tho lmao

like if they changed the va i understand given how busy jonathan bailey's been with other projects but... im ngl hearing whoever that was rn actually made me so :(

i dont tthink i wanna play rest of the night now ;_;

first time i ever almost fell asleep during a tat session... like if it werent for the fact that she would start talking to me every few minutes... i wouldve fallen asleep

:standing emoji:

anyways… i need to stop thinking rn… my thoughts already getting louder than my music and i feel the loop coming on and i do NOT want to cry today. i didnt cry yesterday. i dont want to cry today. so gonna try to animal crossing while listening to skz and xg and tattoo tmmrw yea. ok… 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

my mother but- (partially the reason anyway, cuz like still the guilt and shame of letting ppl see just how broken and messed up i am and like the fear of being abandoned for being more trouble than im worth or like being a liar for misleading ppl abt how i actually am idk)

processing… like sometimes i dont even realize something is as bad as it is or something upset me as much as it did til after the fact.

which is why im realizing i yap online so much more and i mean before the internet i used to journal/diary til that privacy was violated and used against me by

writing makes it a little easier (which is why whenever i had big feelings or whatever i need to talk to my parents abt like dropping out of college or confronting my dad to stop trying to involve me with my mother i had to do it thru text) but even that alot of times takes time cuz of my delayed

i genuinely cannot articulate myself verbally. also why talk therapy never helped/got far with me before… becuz like idk if alexithymia is the right word for it but if you ask me to tell you whats wrong/what i need/ etc

i literally cant. no matter how bad i want to. i cant.

but like i said even if i could get past feeling like a burden and the guilt and shame of needing help and like letting ppl see that i do actually need help and cannot deal with shit on my own/am not as strong as im apparently percieved as

but it also makes me feel bad and like manipulative like im manipulating ppl into helping me cuz like with work like them helping me yesterday and today im like its cuz i was crying like a stupid bitch the other day and manipulated them into feeling bad for me and thats why they helped…

this is abt my current emotional/mental distress but also im (over)thinking abt how much of a relief it felt when not only yesterday but today as well my coworkers helped me of their own volition… so you would think… huh maybe you should ask for help adel…

but still im doing bad cuz like i thought i felt better today and then they all clocked out like 10 min ago and now im like oh actually i wanna disappear again no one gives a shit abt me, im all alone, etc etc

like my mood dropped almost instantly

and it was better today in general like me and my other coworker helped each other put our stuff out together and i feel like im finally catching up which is a lot less overwhelming

its much needed tho… i keep getting stuck in my rumination/thought loops and like loud music is really my only way of pulling myself out of that but its real bad lately so that not working so having someone else actually pull me out of it is… good

did have to stop myself multiple times tho cuz i could feel myself getting into “too excited too happy” territory where i start jumbling my words and jumpin around and doing that hand shit and like my coworker is cool but i always worry abt letting that shit slip cuz ot what happened my old job

like quite literally will be completely dissociating and then he’ll come over and be like “so i didnt even realize felix has freckles?” and im like !!! YEA ACTUALLY LEMME SEND YOU 100 GRILLION EDITS OF THAT BEAUTIFUL MAN WHO GIVES ME GENDER ENVY THE LIKES OF WHICH IVE NEVER EXPERIENCE TIL I SEEN HIM

but then they come back to me and not only bring it up on their own but tell me the songs they listened to ON THEIR OWN LIKE I DIDNT EVEN RECOMMEND and which ones they like and which member so far is their favorite ;-;

my coworker is gettin into skz and im :’) cuz finaally someone to talk to abt em