With that being said, I do have goals for 2026. I want to move out of my current place. I want to get into better self-care habits. I want to finally start getting somewhere real with a creative project.

And perhaps most of all, I want to feel comfortable with who I am as a person.

And just to end with some anxious clarification, I still love the Coquinuts. There's more I want to say, but that's for a private conversation, if I get the chance. I don't want to force anything.

Right now I need to protect myself from getting hurt again, but I'm available if anyone wants to talk.

I don't know if this needs to be said, but if I've ever hurt or upset anyone, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a screw-up, I'm doing everything I can to figure things out. There's so much more in my mind about how I see myself I've not gone into.

I want to make other people happy, even if I can't be.

There is precisely one person who I feel like has been there for me. They know who they are. And if they're reading this, it means more than I know how to say. 💛

I'm not trying to make anyone else feel guilty. I'm not angry at the community. I just feel lost, and I wish things were better.

And the reason why I use past-tense when talking of that connection is because it doesn't feel like it's there anymore. It feels like I'm not wanted anymore, and I've felt worthless over the last few months.

It feels like the last 18 months of pouring my heart into the thing I loved meant nothing.

I don't want to rely on them to help me or use them as a crutch. I don't expect that at all. But with everything spiraling closer to home and seemingly not getting any easier any time soon, it was a relief to have somewhere that made all the problems just not matter for a few hours each day.

I had one way of trying to put things to one side, and that was online, with the Coquinuts. That community, I hope, knows how much I love them. They gave me the only space I had to forget about the things going on around me, forget about how much I hate myself, and just remember how to smile.

I've thought about trying it again, but I've been too scared to go through with it. Scared that I wouldn't be able to commit again. Scared that I would be waiting who knows how long.

I feel like I'm trapped in a dark room with no way out, and my only option is to keep pretending I'm okay.

Getting mental health support in the UK is nightmarishly difficult. Professionals are overworked and underpaid, and there is a long waiting list. I was incredibly lucky to be seen anywhere near as quickly as I was.

And yet I blew it. Anxiety and doubt stopped me going, and I was discharged.

Simply put, I fucked up with the therapy. I fucked it up because I did what I've always done: I didn't trust myself that something was really wrong. I doubted myself, because I feel like I've never been allowed to be "not okay", and I hide behind a mask and pretend I'm fine as a coping mechanism.

I've barely set foot outside this year. For the first few months I was trying to get therapy to deal with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

I have NEVER engaged in self-harm, and largely out of fear, I don't think I'm at risk of doing so. But it doesn't stop my brain going to dark places.