ive blamed it on myself for years, and have chalked it up to a personal failing... i never got closure on why i didn't have those moments with him, and it rips me apart whenever i get reminded of it. it 100% contributes to my nightly crying fits among dozens of other factors; idk if ill ever be ok.

it sucks when you find a post that reminds you of something you never had with someone you gave your whole life to, but really wanted and now probably never will have

i feel like with my ex we never had moments of intimacy the few times he flew over here, it makes me wonder if im incapable of it

maybe ill eventually think im worth something to someone again, or think the work i do matters to a community

I dont know what it would take to fix that, but its deeply rooted in my trauma riddled brain

it feels like every night I brainwash myself to believe things that happen, aren't for me

im so uncertain of anything that's going on around me I just tend to shut out all of it out of fear

ive been traumatized by everything going wrong I try to assume I am nothing to everyone and im merely a stepping stone at every chance I get

it protects me but hurts me daily. I want to trust again.