I would get so much more done in life if I wasn't a goddamn goblin that's only functional from 1-7pm

Sometimes I look out the windows of my house and still expect to see my grandfather on the lawnmower. I still think if I go knock on that door, grandma will be in there drinking coffee and watching The Home Shopping Network. They've been gone almost 20 years.

My sleep paralysis demon is just my cat standing on my chest headbutting me in the mouth because my partner is too asleep to give her butt scratches

"Don't sneer at the mysteries of the deep, young lady. The bottom of the ocean is as deep and dark as the imagination."
- #TheXFiles s6e13, Agua Mala

Me: they're wearing socks with slides
J: at least it's not socks with flip flops. Anyone that does that is a psychopath
Me: I'm going to start doing it to assert my dominance
J: that's it. You just know they have a person locked in their basement

I've been awake for half an hour and the cat has already sneezed in my mouth

Florida is currently doing that thing where I've already washed all the hoodies and jackets and put them in the bowels of the closet, only to threaten another blast of cold weather. Good thing I hadn't put away the space heaters yet 🙃

It's 415am, your alarm is going to go off in 25 minutes. Here, have a dream you're being attacked by bees.