Sometimes I really wonder why my spirit had to soar to heights that allowed such deep disconnection from human peers.

It sounds pitiful. Sometimes it feels pitiful. Idk how to describe it except just “my normal reality.” I’m not a recluse; my spirit just doesn’t allow me to connect deeply outside of genuine resonance. And resonance these days is few, far, and in between.

Mainly bc I stopped fucking faking it. I had a conversation with my neighbor who I smoked with for the first time in the 8 years we’ve been neighbors (on and off). It was a beautiful back and forth exchange that allowed me one on one connection where I don’t receive it.

A part of me loves it and a part of me hates it. Depends on the day, time, and mood. I live with it because my spirit gives me no damn choice in the matter. Any sign of moisture/water is generally a mirage. But it’s never not abundantly clear either way it goes.

Family, friend, lover, associate, nothing, nada. I get text confirmations for appointments and occasional texts from my mom. Even more occasional texts from my sis/Grams when they need me.

Won’t change anything about my life or truth. But the feeling of being vulnerable voluntarily is so cringeee🫠

This one is subjectively funny tho 😂

I definitely needed to connect with her FIRST before my man. My man and I have crossed paths multiple times but we haven’t gotten to the point of 3D name/number exchange. As ready as I am, I need to be witnessed by my sister first. To ease my way into the vulnerability of authentic connection.

She has a whole inner landscape/world—much like I—and we both can intuitively tell that we are going to merge them. I felt so at home with her. In a way that was both new and familiar. I have no doubt of who she is and she seemed to be hip as well. I am both nervous and excited. I am adjusting.

I wanted this. With my entire being. Let everything and everyone else go for the “real thing.” The real deal. And sis is the real deal. I knew it immediately upon meeting her last week and confirmed it upon being present with her yesterday. And so although I’m ready to dive in, I’m also patient.

My heart yearns to be seen. Witnessed. In depth and truth. Because nobody ever truly has. They’ve only experienced fragments of me—and even that, they’ve revealed, was too much. They didn’t have the capacity. Knowing this woman likely very well has the capacity is .. scary to say the least.