i'm safe so that's not what this is about i'm just losing my mind and am too afraid to chew my leg off to get out of the trap that is Myself and i am losing my mind today

and i know it's on me to change it, be the change i wanna be, ect. ect. but i cannot get any part of me to cooperate with that, and i know myself well enough to know i will sooner lie down and die than manage to live even a shred of the life i want to so what the hell am i even Doing

having to face old connections and confess that my life has gone nowhere since high school and that the Only change that has occurred in the last 15 years is that i now have a damaged spine and a bunch of diagnosed health problems is mortifying and fills me with the deepest existential dread

feel like i'm running out of time for everything at every turn and it is just sinking my mental health so fucking hard i'm back in the mindset of feeling like the only thing that's safe for everyone around me is to place myself in a metaphorical box because this whole thing just

at this point i'm just going to speed run the former point of contention and lose weight again like i have before so i can Stop Hearing It because i've Done this song and dance before and Nothing got better but i guess i need to show it again. so be it. but i'm so fucking tired and i just

started getting the same walk around i always have. lose weight, change your diet. cut out dairy (i have 1/4 of a serving of dairy per day, I Doubt This Is An Issue) cut out red meat (i have red meat once a month, I Doubt This Is An Issue) cut out soda (i don't drink soda. I Doubt This Is An Issue.)

and on that topic, i think my trust in doctors is just. fully shattered at this point. this one is better but there are quickly glaring issues and i just. don't have the energy to try again, and there's only one more at the clinic to try anyway.

cannot allow myself to think much because if i give too much thought to things i'm going to unravel completely

i never thought there'd be a time in my life where being told my blood tests are perfectly clear would cause me to completely unravel. but i've been struggling so bad lately, been almost entirely bedridden, so getting more clean tests results back has laid me so low i just

anyway. i feel like i'm at the absolute edge of everything and if i get another clean test with no answers i feel like something in me is going to break beyond repair

and i feel there's far less people to see things here and less people to bog down and would encourage if things Do bog anyone down, it should be relatively easy to unfollow because there's nothing that will be missed as i don't use this platform much (vs my other avenue)

and without the ability to make likes private [insert pensive emoji here]

not to come on here just to be Negative......just genuine musings and Concerns, this site still gives me some anxiety Because it's so closely mapped to twitter and there's this perpetual gut feeling it will eventually be Twitter 2 with the only difference being the name listed for its ownership

this isn't me saying 'they're overwhelmed they can't help it' btw this is me saying 'as popularity of this site grows are they going to even care about safety over Numbers in the long run when they've apparently just failed to do so in the short run'