Crazy that human lifespans used to be like 35 years and also explains why I’ve felt like I’m on the brink of death all the time now

It’s Siri’s simulation, I’m just living in it.

I canNOT wait for the inevitable fallout between Trump and Elon Musk. It’s going to be so cringe.

Why can’t I just eat once and be good for a few weeks like a snake? Why do I gotta do this multiple times every day?

Pitch: a swear jar but for CEOs every time they say a stupid buzzword or corporate platitude. Their employees split it as an end of year bonus.

Worker at the art store noticed my Crocs and brought over their finest jibbitz for me to peruse like I was on Rodeo Drive or something

Me, 37, holding my tiny cup of NyQuil because I feel like shit for the 84726th day in a row: “Time to Quil myself.”

I need Kid Cudi and Enya to do a humming collab ASAP for my mental health :)