I just came back from Mexico and I did not have one single taco.
December 11, 2025 at 7:41 AM
I just came back from Mexico and I did not have one single taco.
Every room’s a rage room when I show up
October 30, 2025 at 6:46 PM
Every room’s a rage room when I show up
When I die I want my body donated to an “Is It Cake?” episode
October 28, 2025 at 11:33 PM
When I die I want my body donated to an “Is It Cake?” episode
No babe I love your hauntingly negative outlook and your ghoulish disorders
October 28, 2025 at 12:19 AM
No babe I love your hauntingly negative outlook and your ghoulish disorders
Checking “Remember Me” on websites being acutely aware it’s the only time I’m brave enough to ask someone to 🥺🥺🥺
October 26, 2025 at 12:05 AM
Checking “Remember Me” on websites being acutely aware it’s the only time I’m brave enough to ask someone to 🥺🥺🥺
For Halloween imma be his worst nightmare
October 24, 2025 at 2:15 AM
For Halloween imma be his worst nightmare
IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST that’s completely fine and understandable because I can’t either
August 5, 2025 at 4:37 AM
IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST that’s completely fine and understandable because I can’t either
You don’t get to be this funny without growing up with trauma that’s considered severe human rights violations in most of the world 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
July 26, 2025 at 7:35 AM
You don’t get to be this funny without growing up with trauma that’s considered severe human rights violations in most of the world 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, shame on me. I have ADHD and forget everything
July 16, 2025 at 7:17 PM
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, shame on me. I have ADHD and forget everything
Manslaughter is a crime because men are not funny
June 20, 2025 at 1:00 AM
Manslaughter is a crime because men are not funny
I can’t believe you’d treat me like this, I have been nothing but a menace to you
June 2, 2025 at 6:43 PM
I can’t believe you’d treat me like this, I have been nothing but a menace to you
I reject classism until it’s time for me to feel like God’s favorite when I’m walking through Global Entry
May 30, 2025 at 12:31 PM
I reject classism until it’s time for me to feel like God’s favorite when I’m walking through Global Entry
Life is hard for a teenage girl in her thirties
May 29, 2025 at 8:39 AM
Life is hard for a teenage girl in her thirties
Your future wife is in bed being gorgeous and dying of allergies (me)
May 29, 2025 at 1:08 AM
Your future wife is in bed being gorgeous and dying of allergies (me)
I gingerly lift my JNCO jeans to walk down stairs like I’m Cinderella at the ball
May 26, 2025 at 3:34 PM
I gingerly lift my JNCO jeans to walk down stairs like I’m Cinderella at the ball
Washed my hands in holy water just to cup her chin
May 24, 2025 at 8:25 AM
Washed my hands in holy water just to cup her chin
Your future wife is being gorgeous and evil and eating Hot Cheetos in bed and getting crumbs everywhere (it’s me)
April 15, 2025 at 4:38 AM
Your future wife is being gorgeous and evil and eating Hot Cheetos in bed and getting crumbs everywhere (it’s me)
My favorite crystal is rock bottom
April 14, 2025 at 7:46 PM
My favorite crystal is rock bottom
My favorite people-watching at Coachella is when these stunning influencer girlies are with men who look like God got lazy and hit the randomizer button
April 13, 2025 at 10:42 PM
My favorite people-watching at Coachella is when these stunning influencer girlies are with men who look like God got lazy and hit the randomizer button
Why do people say, “fuck around and find out” like it’s a threat. I love fucking around. I NEED to find out.
April 11, 2025 at 8:05 PM
Why do people say, “fuck around and find out” like it’s a threat. I love fucking around. I NEED to find out.
If I had a boyfriend I’d put the lil guy in a fish tank and tap on the glass really hard
April 9, 2025 at 9:40 PM
If I had a boyfriend I’d put the lil guy in a fish tank and tap on the glass really hard
Demons fight their inner me
April 9, 2025 at 12:18 AM
Demons fight their inner me
My speaking voice has two modes:
1. Sultry jazz club crooner
2. Middle-aged Italian standup comedian who just graduated clown school
1. Sultry jazz club crooner
2. Middle-aged Italian standup comedian who just graduated clown school
April 4, 2025 at 8:05 PM
My speaking voice has two modes:
1. Sultry jazz club crooner
2. Middle-aged Italian standup comedian who just graduated clown school
1. Sultry jazz club crooner
2. Middle-aged Italian standup comedian who just graduated clown school
The way I go from, “I want cuddle 🥺” to, “UNHAND ME, PEASANT” depending on the day is unmatched
April 2, 2025 at 2:52 PM
The way I go from, “I want cuddle 🥺” to, “UNHAND ME, PEASANT” depending on the day is unmatched
I finally told someone who’s beeeeen all in on me that I have feelings for them
And then I hit them with the April fools
(Obviously I then said I am not pranking them but I am a menace and those who eventually make it to relationship level are God’s strongest soldiers istg)
And then I hit them with the April fools
(Obviously I then said I am not pranking them but I am a menace and those who eventually make it to relationship level are God’s strongest soldiers istg)
April 2, 2025 at 8:37 AM
I finally told someone who’s beeeeen all in on me that I have feelings for them
And then I hit them with the April fools
(Obviously I then said I am not pranking them but I am a menace and those who eventually make it to relationship level are God’s strongest soldiers istg)
And then I hit them with the April fools
(Obviously I then said I am not pranking them but I am a menace and those who eventually make it to relationship level are God’s strongest soldiers istg)