Erkmonster of the Hill People
@ericdoesvoices.bsky.social
I was much funnier on Twitter.
It's being reported Ozzy has died, bit his own head off. Damnedest thing.
July 22, 2025 at 6:26 PM
It's being reported Ozzy has died, bit his own head off. Damnedest thing.
Shame on me for not looking first, but this Panera salad's main ingredient is arugula. Even without functioning tastebuds it's completely inedible. How has anyone ever eaten this trash weed?
June 29, 2025 at 1:54 AM
Shame on me for not looking first, but this Panera salad's main ingredient is arugula. Even without functioning tastebuds it's completely inedible. How has anyone ever eaten this trash weed?
Update killed my Lockjaw deck. One time use suuucks. #MarvelSnap
June 27, 2025 at 10:38 PM
Update killed my Lockjaw deck. One time use suuucks. #MarvelSnap
We have a new kid starting at the shop today who looks like Beavis and I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to ex
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to ex
June 24, 2025 at 12:03 PM
We have a new kid starting at the shop today who looks like Beavis and I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to ex
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to explain who that is.
I will not be the old guy who calls him that and then has to ex
I met my mother-in-law in 2008 and to this day it still makes me laugh to refer to her and her partner as detectives rather than lesbians.
June 23, 2025 at 12:30 AM
I met my mother-in-law in 2008 and to this day it still makes me laugh to refer to her and her partner as detectives rather than lesbians.
I've officially opted out of "bless you" after sneezes. I won't say it, and I'm not accepting them if I sneeze.
It serves no purpose. I prefer to say helpful things like "gross!" or "contain your pathogens."
It serves no purpose. I prefer to say helpful things like "gross!" or "contain your pathogens."
May 29, 2025 at 1:11 AM
I've officially opted out of "bless you" after sneezes. I won't say it, and I'm not accepting them if I sneeze.
It serves no purpose. I prefer to say helpful things like "gross!" or "contain your pathogens."
It serves no purpose. I prefer to say helpful things like "gross!" or "contain your pathogens."
Called out of work today. Too sad about Sabu (diarrhea).
May 12, 2025 at 11:38 AM
Called out of work today. Too sad about Sabu (diarrhea).
Customer comes in with 2 of these on her car. Perfectly healthy cult, nothing to see here.
May 10, 2025 at 1:09 AM
Customer comes in with 2 of these on her car. Perfectly healthy cult, nothing to see here.
Need to apologize to my coworkers and customers today...I chose Skyrim over a shower last night.
May 8, 2025 at 3:57 PM
Need to apologize to my coworkers and customers today...I chose Skyrim over a shower last night.
Dropped my bowl. Shattered. Like my heart.
April 30, 2025 at 1:29 AM
Dropped my bowl. Shattered. Like my heart.
My mom sent me job listings for the Onion as staff writer and I just can't handle more writing job rejection. I'm not looking for work. I'm not interested in being told you're not funny enough yet afuckinggain
March 26, 2025 at 11:58 PM
My mom sent me job listings for the Onion as staff writer and I just can't handle more writing job rejection. I'm not looking for work. I'm not interested in being told you're not funny enough yet afuckinggain
I don't want to act like I have zero ego from my radio days, I truly enjoyed that job for a long time and left for reasons that are different every time I talk about it publicly. I've been at my new job for almost 2 years now, and was recognized by voice today for maybe the third or fourth time. .
March 26, 2025 at 11:28 PM
I don't want to act like I have zero ego from my radio days, I truly enjoyed that job for a long time and left for reasons that are different every time I talk about it publicly. I've been at my new job for almost 2 years now, and was recognized by voice today for maybe the third or fourth time. .
Every 5 years I need to be reminded that Panera bread bowls aren't worth the extra couple bucks. Maybe it's more a lunch time thing? Bc the outer shell I just got was too hard to try to eat. See you in 2030.
March 23, 2025 at 10:40 PM
Every 5 years I need to be reminded that Panera bread bowls aren't worth the extra couple bucks. Maybe it's more a lunch time thing? Bc the outer shell I just got was too hard to try to eat. See you in 2030.
Podcast hosts do their ad reads in one take and it shows.
March 20, 2025 at 3:27 AM
Podcast hosts do their ad reads in one take and it shows.
A day late to Conan's podcast with Burr. Absolutely lost my shit when Burr described Conan as a Featherless Ostriche. Legit haven't laughed that hard in months.
March 19, 2025 at 12:01 AM
A day late to Conan's podcast with Burr. Absolutely lost my shit when Burr described Conan as a Featherless Ostriche. Legit haven't laughed that hard in months.
Overheard my favorite discussion at work the other day. "My parents hit me and I turned out fine"
No..you fucking didn't. For one, you're fine with an adult hitting a child. That's psychotic. Go to therapy, asshole.
No..you fucking didn't. For one, you're fine with an adult hitting a child. That's psychotic. Go to therapy, asshole.
March 19, 2025 at 12:01 AM
Overheard my favorite discussion at work the other day. "My parents hit me and I turned out fine"
No..you fucking didn't. For one, you're fine with an adult hitting a child. That's psychotic. Go to therapy, asshole.
No..you fucking didn't. For one, you're fine with an adult hitting a child. That's psychotic. Go to therapy, asshole.
I don't consider myself anything close to an Alpha male.
BUT, I do buy my beard shampoo exclusively at the local Ace hardware.
BUT, I do buy my beard shampoo exclusively at the local Ace hardware.
March 17, 2025 at 2:02 AM
I don't consider myself anything close to an Alpha male.
BUT, I do buy my beard shampoo exclusively at the local Ace hardware.
BUT, I do buy my beard shampoo exclusively at the local Ace hardware.
When they moved in a couple years ago, the dad across the street was introduced to me as "this is ____, he doesn't talk much" and I thought "Challenge fucking accepted!"
We are cool, as far as I can tell, but we don't talk to each other like, at all.
He's my favorite neighbor of all time. ALLTIME.
We are cool, as far as I can tell, but we don't talk to each other like, at all.
He's my favorite neighbor of all time. ALLTIME.
March 8, 2025 at 4:47 PM
When they moved in a couple years ago, the dad across the street was introduced to me as "this is ____, he doesn't talk much" and I thought "Challenge fucking accepted!"
We are cool, as far as I can tell, but we don't talk to each other like, at all.
He's my favorite neighbor of all time. ALLTIME.
We are cool, as far as I can tell, but we don't talk to each other like, at all.
He's my favorite neighbor of all time. ALLTIME.
Nobody has turned on the radio at work today and I am sooooo happy. It's always on one of those "we play everything" pop stations but it's the same songs in a different order every day.
February 28, 2025 at 3:54 PM
Nobody has turned on the radio at work today and I am sooooo happy. It's always on one of those "we play everything" pop stations but it's the same songs in a different order every day.
Central heat: running
Kid is cold, let me raise the temp 2 degrees.
Central heat: shuts off immediately.
Kid is cold, let me raise the temp 2 degrees.
Central heat: shuts off immediately.
February 28, 2025 at 11:52 AM
Central heat: running
Kid is cold, let me raise the temp 2 degrees.
Central heat: shuts off immediately.
Kid is cold, let me raise the temp 2 degrees.
Central heat: shuts off immediately.
Currently being shamed on reddit for not thinking Animal House or Blues Brothers are funny. Shamed isn't right, bc I don't care. But they're trying.
February 24, 2025 at 11:56 PM
Currently being shamed on reddit for not thinking Animal House or Blues Brothers are funny. Shamed isn't right, bc I don't care. But they're trying.
Life is weird. I never saw Pantera live once when I was in high school and they were my favorite band.
Necrophagist existed for 3 years and I saw them 3 times. #metal
Necrophagist existed for 3 years and I saw them 3 times. #metal
February 24, 2025 at 2:50 AM
Life is weird. I never saw Pantera live once when I was in high school and they were my favorite band.
Necrophagist existed for 3 years and I saw them 3 times. #metal
Necrophagist existed for 3 years and I saw them 3 times. #metal
Had my dry vape pen in my pocket at a museum today and it accidentally got turned on. You press the button for 5 seconds, and the whole place started to smell and everyone is looking for the culprit and I had no idea it was me. worst part was I never even got to hit it.
February 23, 2025 at 1:37 AM
Had my dry vape pen in my pocket at a museum today and it accidentally got turned on. You press the button for 5 seconds, and the whole place started to smell and everyone is looking for the culprit and I had no idea it was me. worst part was I never even got to hit it.