I'm unlearning a lot & also learning a lot right now. It's a bit daunting, a bit overwhelming.

But, I want to do this 💜

I'm excited to see where this goes. But FUCK am I nervous.

I've got some serious demons.
I want them gone, I don't know where to start or how to quash them.

But I want them wiped out SOO bad so I'll stop being worried.

It said it itself, we are in it for the long run. I'm holding onto that 💜

So.
I'm gonna stay mono for now. My special is off trying out whatever makes it happy & just not keeping me in the dark or discarding me like my fears say will happen again.

That's all I want. I want it happy.
I'm still on edge but, I don't want it to be sad.

It's my everything. Forever & always x

So I tried apps & an irl date/hook up. Just to try it, since my special is already having success I may as well dip my toes in too?

I hated it.
So so much.
I was so unhappy & uncomfortable.

I was so frightened I'd let it down or pushed it away. But, I can't lie & say I was happy-

All the fear I had, started to well up & grab me by the balls. Hard. I started crying most nights, terrified it would only lead to what I want to make happy, vanish again.

I didn't realise quite how deep rooted it all was.

Nothing was settling it. I was definitely driving my special nuts with it-

A few nurses said I was insanely lucky to get away with JUST a concussion.

While I was having a CT scan, I had an epiphany.

I don't want to keep my special unhappy & I liked being open too when it worked nicely. It was lovely.

I opened up to it & we made changes + motions to being poly again-

Frightened of history repeating itself, I got overly protective. Terrified that 1 wrong move & I'd lose my special all over again.

But, it wasn't fully happy... It wanted to stay open & try again, I was too scared.

It respected my decision for years.

Then a week ago(?), I got a head injury-

Glad you like it sweetpea 💜💜💜💜✨

Idk, I'm just oddly proud of myself for finally overcoming such a huge and rather embarrassing personal hurdle.