😂 so elegant

Thinking about my ability in terms of Can vs Should has gone a long way towards helping me avoid hurting myself. I still frequently go past Should because I don’t notice I’ve reached it, but I am now usually able to stop well before Can. My goal is to eventually be able to always stop at Should.

The main difficulty with this is it currently requires remembering to regularly check in with my body and how it’s feeling, as I won’t notice otherwise until it’s too late. However, it’s worth the effort.

Can is how far I can go if I ignore my body. Should is where I should listen to my body and stop before I hurt myself. However, my mileage can and does vary, sometimes literally. Yesterday’s Should could have been stopping after running 2 miles, and today’s Should could be only walking 1 mile.

I *can* keep running long after my knees start hurting.
I *should* stop as soon as they hurt.

I *can* go all day without eating even if I feel hungry.
I *should* stop to eat when I feel hungry.

I *can* push past all of my limits until I literally collapse.
I *should* stop when I hit the 1st limit.

I was thinking more about all of that in relation to my difficulties with properly pacing my energy with my new chronic illness, and realized I needed to fix my definition of Can versus Should. It’s not “I can so I should,” but instead “I can, but should I?”

Broken nose/toe, keep going. Soccer ball to a face of braces bleeding everywhere, keep going. Limbs shaking from exhaustion mid marathon, keep going. Nausea and headaches, keep going. Sick with a bad cold, keep going. I *can* move, so I *should* move, right?

Growing up with undiagnosed chronic problems, I thought life was pain for everyone, and that limits were things that literally stopped me from moving. Think sprained muscle need crutches for a month, or cramps so bad my muscles physically couldn’t straighten.

If you see this quote with flowers from your gallery

As a not rich chronically ill human, I regularly have to compromise between my ethics and my health 😔. Because of that, if a past purchase is still important to my current life, i consider it a sunk cost and try to choose better going forward, but continue to use what I already own.

It's not just about getting old, but I found Ursula K Le Guin's No Time to Spare to be poignant about her experiences with aging.

The PearlBone™️ link: marinebiomedical.com.au/what-we-do

But I think that’s fine. My Control Pearl is probably too large and weirdly shaped, but I made it, and it’s shiny and useful despite the flaws. Thinking this way has been positively life changing, and as I work to analyze my coping mechanisms, I think of it as carving my pearl into a prettier shape.

The problem is, I have 30 odd years of layers on my Control Pearl. Not all of those layers are still useful (some are actively harmful) but they were all formed in response to traumas, some are still essential, and they’re cemented together. I can’t just chuck the bits that aren’t working for me.

Each TICB coping mechanism is a layer of nacre on my Control Pearl. As traumas happen and I develop ways to try and control things to prevent repeats of that same trauma, the layers build up. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; I’m reducing irritation over time (theoretically).

Example: I was punished by the people around me for emotional outbursts as a child. As a result, I learned one way to avoid punishment was to not show my emotions. Decades later, I’m still “controlling” my emotional reactions, albeit mostly subconsciously. But do I still need to?

Trauma-induced control-based (TICB) coping mechanisms is my terminology for learned ingrained actions developed in response to traumatic situations to try to prevent further trauma.

Pearls develop as a response to irritation ranging from foreign elements to bacterial intrusions. Outside of decorative uses, research into pearl composition (physical and chemical) has shown potential for creating stronger materials and also biomedical use. Example: Marine Biomedical’s PearlBone™️.

*analogies. I mean analogies 🤦🏻‍♀️ of which metaphors are a mere subset. I cannot keep those straight for the life of me.