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….Try as you might…its all for naught
Just as you see the beginnings of safety in the form of civilization…you here a wet snap followed by liquid fire coursing through your nerves and then….nothing

One singular thought racing and screaming through your mind

‘Run….run….run….run’
But your bones ache, your muscles inflamed with heavy exertion and strain
Your lungs heaving like forge bellows trying to pump oxygen to keep you surviving

Through Herculean effort…you turn and run, the soles of your shoes battering the ground like a manic drum beat
Its gleeful braying scalding your back as you try to escape it

Salty rivers of dread filled sorrow cascade down your face almost blinding you

Oh spirits….its scream
Its reverberates like a storm siren
Haunting, aching, agonizing
Turning the marrow of your bones to glacial ice
Rending your sanity to shreds like water logged cardboard

Sightless eyes the color of curdled cream lock on to you with a hounds focus

Time stills to an imperceivable crawl
And then….it screams

Its source…by the gods…its source
Limbs of impossibly sharp angles, senseless joints, and gnarled skin
Its flesh the color of sun bleached vellum, gangrene splashing like paint splotches, sanguineous tears leaking from its pores with each heaving gasp

...because it means that someone can tell when im gone...im worried that I could disappear tomorrow and no one would care...that no one would miss me...and feeling like that...in crowded rooms...is the loneliest feeling in the world

...I'll be alone again and.....ive basically been trying to wear myself out most days in hope that in the quiet of the night....that the harsh voices will be too tired to talk. I know it sounds selfish but I like it when people say they miss me

Recently, ive had the pleasure of being part of a discord server thats been helping ease those feelings but...I'm still dealing with those same harsh voices in my head telling me that once their patience runs out...

I miss not feeling so sad, so alone all the time...I miss not wondering when the next person is going to get tired of me

I know that I'll be okay eventually but.....seeing these memories kinda hurts because....I miss the times where I wasn't always stuck in my own head...where I wasn't always waiting for the other shoe to drop

In this process ive been discovering memories both good and bad....and...its been a lot. Family pictures, homemade cds from friends no longer in my life amd other memories that aren't always pleasant

Ive been trying to clean my bedroom so that its completely my space(used to share it with my younger brother but he no longer lives at home)

This means that a lot of old stuff(nothing biohazardous) has accumulated and not been thrown out...until now

So....for the past several years, I have been dealing with a lot of mental health issues and its lead me to not take care of keeping my bedroom as clean as I should