Oh! Oh! Now he tells me my debit card is turned off because the atm he used had a scanner on it. Figures. There have been worse Christmases. There have been better ones, too.

The extra books I was going to keep went to his parents because I almost forgot a nephew and had to scramble to rearrange all the candy gifts. Spouse also stopped at an ATM on the way there to add cash to all the candy gifts, which, of course, I took personally. Nothing I do is good enough. Humbug.

My birthday is on January 5th, so maybe he's doing a combo? I want a hint, I don't want to be angry, but I AM.

WTAF? I mean, I know, but jeez. If terrifying the populace is the goal, mission accomplished. Fuckers.

I keep dreaming that I can't sleep or am being prevented from it. Very confusing.

They say, "If it's brown, lay down," right? So what if I just lay down next to him? He looks so soft. 🥰

I have gotten better the past few years at insisting he take care of his own family's gifts. I will help if asked. It's all just way too much, and I don't understand where people get the energy for it all.

...except the shoveling. They are expected to do the shoveling. But they're allowed to be grumpy about it!

(4/4) I still space out for 20 minutes at a time, obsessing over how I could explain it in a way that wouldn't be misunderstood, if I ever chose to really try. The way I just shattered into pieces, even though from the outside it probably didn't look all that traumatic. My brain won't forget it.

(3/?) of associative neurons that fire. Humiliation trauma made me a weird loner, afraid of everyone, trusting no one. For the last 3 years of college, I was continually punishing myself, externally avoiding most social interactions, convinced "they" would just laugh at me.

(2/?) broke up with him to chase a person who would shatter my self-image and break my heart in truly psychopathic ways. I won't dump that whole sob story here, not now. I bring it up to say that even after 24 years, I can still be brought right back there in an instant because of the strong web

The fear of abandonment is strong, and it stinks. Which causes more abandonment. Is it weird that I'm making bsky my personal journal today?

Who uses em dashes that isn't AI? Emily F*cking Dickinson, that's who! Probably more in that small poem than I included, but I wanted to write/recite from memory and not G*ogle.

Oh man, I was hoping to see his face when she really belts, but that would be a different song.