Nick Kitchen
@ectopoint.bsky.social
Writer, realistic optimist and dirty sink artist. What doesn't kill you leaves you alive for just about long enough for something even more horrible to come along and half finish the job.
Weaponized stupididitity.
March 20, 2025 at 10:36 PM
Weaponized stupididitity.
"…pulled down my trousers and farted so loudly that the school walls shook which woke up the deputy headmistress & Churchill gave me a medal for bravery which turned out to be an old chocolate coin that he eaten and then carefully reassembled with a dollop of his own shit inside..."
March 5, 2025 at 10:58 PM
"…pulled down my trousers and farted so loudly that the school walls shook which woke up the deputy headmistress & Churchill gave me a medal for bravery which turned out to be an old chocolate coin that he eaten and then carefully reassembled with a dollop of his own shit inside..."
I've just realised I've been confusing the Garden on Eden with the Garden of Edam for the past 50 years. Finally I can eat cheese without being possessed by demons.
March 2, 2025 at 11:06 PM
I've just realised I've been confusing the Garden on Eden with the Garden of Edam for the past 50 years. Finally I can eat cheese without being possessed by demons.
Does trying to post funny stuff on Bluesky count as work? Answers via telegram.
February 26, 2025 at 11:03 PM
Does trying to post funny stuff on Bluesky count as work? Answers via telegram.
People who live in splash houses shouldn't throw skimming stones, stones, stones, stones...
February 22, 2025 at 10:59 PM
People who live in splash houses shouldn't throw skimming stones, stones, stones, stones...
He's a mackintosh out of water.
February 17, 2025 at 11:01 PM
He's a mackintosh out of water.
I've always been cynical about cryogenically freezing someone. Why not just cook the brains and can them like baked beans? Surely any future technology will be able to revive them with the application of a tin opener. And if civilisation collapses, the survivors can have some brains on toast.
February 13, 2025 at 11:05 PM
I've always been cynical about cryogenically freezing someone. Why not just cook the brains and can them like baked beans? Surely any future technology will be able to revive them with the application of a tin opener. And if civilisation collapses, the survivors can have some brains on toast.
I’m a glass half full kind of guy… half full of my own liquidised eyeballs. With my testicles bobbing up and down on top.
January 28, 2025 at 11:00 PM
I’m a glass half full kind of guy… half full of my own liquidised eyeballs. With my testicles bobbing up and down on top.
I lost my job as Denise Van Outen because I'm not Denise Van Outen.
January 27, 2025 at 10:53 PM
I lost my job as Denise Van Outen because I'm not Denise Van Outen.
The has been a fall in the inflation rate of the inflatable space station, reducing the increased flation from 2.3% to 1.9%. This is a relief to many people currently in space and the surrounding area of Earth who were in danger of being swallowed by the massive self replicating bouncy castle.
January 16, 2025 at 10:43 PM
The has been a fall in the inflation rate of the inflatable space station, reducing the increased flation from 2.3% to 1.9%. This is a relief to many people currently in space and the surrounding area of Earth who were in danger of being swallowed by the massive self replicating bouncy castle.
Inflactuation has fallen by 0.75% this month to its lowest levels in six months. "It's important to get a grip of rampant inflactuation and the government is nailing down the causes of inflactuation at the colon level to bring it to a safe and manageable level," said a spokesfart.
January 15, 2025 at 11:08 PM
Inflactuation has fallen by 0.75% this month to its lowest levels in six months. "It's important to get a grip of rampant inflactuation and the government is nailing down the causes of inflactuation at the colon level to bring it to a safe and manageable level," said a spokesfart.
My 2025 business idea is a single scented candle that takes us on a life journey from the gory tangy bloodbath of birth; the Lynx Africa of youth; the reek of a disappointing middle age; right to the chlorine tinged old peoples home & the tang of crem smoke. Seeking investors with a nose for profit.
December 28, 2024 at 11:11 PM
My 2025 business idea is a single scented candle that takes us on a life journey from the gory tangy bloodbath of birth; the Lynx Africa of youth; the reek of a disappointing middle age; right to the chlorine tinged old peoples home & the tang of crem smoke. Seeking investors with a nose for profit.
It is possible to escape being locked in a duvet cover if you have a pair of scissors with you but who takes a pair of scissors to a duvet changing changing ceremony?
December 16, 2024 at 11:11 PM
It is possible to escape being locked in a duvet cover if you have a pair of scissors with you but who takes a pair of scissors to a duvet changing changing ceremony?
I have a till receipt I can't get rid of. I’ve burnt it, eaten it, flushed it, ripped it into tiny pieces & fed them to a lion & I even went 2564 miles & left it under a magic rock inside a stone circle portal but a few weeks later I put my hand in my pocket & there it is. Haunted by a till receipt.
December 14, 2024 at 11:01 PM
I have a till receipt I can't get rid of. I’ve burnt it, eaten it, flushed it, ripped it into tiny pieces & fed them to a lion & I even went 2564 miles & left it under a magic rock inside a stone circle portal but a few weeks later I put my hand in my pocket & there it is. Haunted by a till receipt.
Colin Watkin's mother died and he discovered extensive graphs with detailed records of her flatulence – time, duration, decibels, location, effect on others – for the final 20 years of her life. Colin used them to create a best selling book called Her Wind Beneath The Spreadsheets...
December 13, 2024 at 10:30 PM
Colin Watkin's mother died and he discovered extensive graphs with detailed records of her flatulence – time, duration, decibels, location, effect on others – for the final 20 years of her life. Colin used them to create a best selling book called Her Wind Beneath The Spreadsheets...
As an abysmal writer of disaster novels all I think about all day long is how to reduce the sum of humanity to a small layer of dust in the earths crust. Then I eat a vegan pizza and wonder if it will give me the shits again. #writingcommunity
December 12, 2024 at 11:00 PM
As an abysmal writer of disaster novels all I think about all day long is how to reduce the sum of humanity to a small layer of dust in the earths crust. Then I eat a vegan pizza and wonder if it will give me the shits again. #writingcommunity
Today I rammed a big, fat bung into the black hole of the economy and it didn't hurt at all.
December 11, 2024 at 11:02 PM
Today I rammed a big, fat bung into the black hole of the economy and it didn't hurt at all.
The other night, whilst in the shower, I was repeatedly attacked by a conspiracy theory of zombies. That's the last time I use Radox pine scented fast foaming soapy gel on my freshly shaved testicles.
December 10, 2024 at 11:08 PM
The other night, whilst in the shower, I was repeatedly attacked by a conspiracy theory of zombies. That's the last time I use Radox pine scented fast foaming soapy gel on my freshly shaved testicles.
In 2014 I made a single roll of toilet paper last for a whole year. Best 365 days of my life.
December 10, 2024 at 12:46 PM
In 2014 I made a single roll of toilet paper last for a whole year. Best 365 days of my life.
My toilet was so clean an enterprising goldfish rented it out on Aquarium B&B.
December 9, 2024 at 11:03 PM
My toilet was so clean an enterprising goldfish rented it out on Aquarium B&B.
Why don't we have any far centre politicians?
December 7, 2024 at 10:53 PM
Why don't we have any far centre politicians?
It's because they thought they were voting for Mr Ed, The Talking Horse. Farmers loved him for his "Make America Groat Again" campaign.
December 7, 2024 at 5:52 PM
It's because they thought they were voting for Mr Ed, The Talking Horse. Farmers loved him for his "Make America Groat Again" campaign.
I went to an award ceremony for near death experiences the other day. Great bunch of people but when it finished I couldn’t find the exit.
December 7, 2024 at 5:44 PM
I went to an award ceremony for near death experiences the other day. Great bunch of people but when it finished I couldn’t find the exit.