Leave it to Walmart Radio to say, "It's a New Year! How about some new music?" and then play Straight Up, by Paula Abdul.

Protect at all costs that kid who syncs his watch up with the school bell so that he can say, “I think we should go to recess… NOW!”

And just like that, without even realizing it, you climbed onto the bathroom sink for the last time so that you could bend over and look at your own butthole in the mirror.