The thrill of a perfectly executed Irish goodbye is a better high than all other drugs. I’m standing by the door like it’s my dealer at all events

I might never remember to water my house plants, reply to texts, run the dishwasher or plan my meals, but I will die before my Duolingo streak ends

Don’t worry babe, dinner’s on me tonight

There are cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see

Next time you think it’s safe to use your phone on public transit and nobody is snooping on your screen over your shoulder, think again. I am and it’s my favorite part of the day.

Sometimes you just get a crazy reminder of how much of a bubble you live in. I talked to my coworker the other day and he had never heard of Auntie Anne’s. One of the most significant eating establishments in my life and he’s just like “what is that”

Only time I’m locked in is when I’m eating hummus. A bomb could go off and I would not notice because I’m enjoying hummus.