I see others capable of leaning into “clownishness” or “free-spirited” expressions and I envy them. It’s a shrinking feeling truly to see how incapable I feel when being perceived. Words are my escape but I fear this isn’t enough.

In a private space with someone who openly would take joy in my silliness I am afraid. With people who’ve known me for years and would be delighted in a show of whimsy I am afraid. I am mean, I am brash, I am reliable, I am strong. Underneath that, I am nothing but afraid.

lol a part of me is unironically thinking this is my future wife and another part of me is replaying the last couple times I’ve allowed myself to have these feelings. Well, this is mostly just a historical post. See you soon future me with insight into how this all went.

Yeah, I hate hope man. I told her that if in 90 days (as of yesterday) we want to pick the convo up again, I’ll reach out and see how things are going. So, I guess back to my bullshit in the mean time.

They’re “exploring who they are while being single” and like that’s great, just kill me already.

I have at times felt I’ve approached similar orbits but your gravity still pulls at me. Almost like a guardian protecting me from my most destructive self our friendship sacrificed for my sanity and life.

-me (pants not pissed)

I am convinced that having got Covid my capacity has been permanently lessened. I am sure there are ways I can train myself to a greater “consciousness” and be more ‘in the moment’ and ‘present’ but it now requires my focused effort to merely perceive the world around me.

I’ve not been medicated for the last couple months… getting on state insurance has proven to frustrating and annoying for me to manage, I was unable to set an order and when I could the insurance company wanted to dispute responsibility for paying. So, now I’m back to my old ways I guess

Ive spent the last two years going to therapy, getting sober, finding new hobbies, meeting new people, challenging myself to try new things and still there’s this festering dissatisfaction. I don’t think I’m a good person, I’m not even convinced that I care to be perceived as such.