I’d LOVE to see a mind flayer try to tadpole ME! I’ve been holding in a fart since 1998, I’ll blast the door right off that pod!

Busy, busy, busy! Today’s schedule:

2pm wake up screaming
2:45 get out of bed
3:00 sob in the mirror
3:15 cardio!
3:20 breakfast (gimlet)
4:00 check fan mail for bombs
5:00 lunch (martini)
6:00 recording studio
6:15 dinner (pill salad and wine)
8:00 bath time!
9:00 meditation
3am time for bed!

Luxury Tip: When preparing to take your evening calmatives, remember to alwaus prnnbhb tur hdhhnnnnmmmmmmmmm122222222222222222222222222222222222222223333222222

Having a FABULOUS dinner with my dear friends Brooke Hogan, Ms. Juicy, and Eugenia Cooney. The pavlova was light and airy, but the tension you could cut with a knife!

I once held a Santa impersonator at gunpoint for a record of 11 hours on a local TV station in Tacoma - but sure, tell me more about how Mariah Carey is the ‘Queen of Christmas’ 🙄

What’s your go-to gift for the beauty professionals in your life? My Hair Software Engineer Khaisynn deserves the world!

Christmas isn’t Christmas without a theme! This year I’m thinking gold, burnt orange, imperialist red, improvised weapons, fentanyl white, big dicks, bespoke tree toppers by Michèle Lamy, ironic vintage tablescaping… just spitballing here!

All this talk about shooting CEOs reminds me of my slightly younger years, running with the Sandinistas. I had a child’s grasp of Spanish and terrible aim, but I looked like a prettier Bianca Jagger and made a Macuá that could kick your teeth in. Still do, in fact.

“I rest my case, your honor.”- me in federal court after performing “this is me” with slurs written all of my face

Holiday Tip: on Black Friday, many retail workers are having one of the worst days of their year. So remember to use psychological tactics on them, they’re close to their breaking point! If that fails, I recommend a dagger in a Tiffany’s scabbard. It’s lightweight and timeless!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Enjoy your gluten free field roast and farm-to-table cruelty free gravy! And remember to keep the conversation light! No man will ever respect a woman with her own political ideology; it’s just not sexy!

This holiday season, I’m changing my attitude towards overconsumption by downsizing. Therefore, I’ll be burning down one of my guest houses.

I’ve just watched The Substance and I’ll be in contact with my attorneys. Just as soon as I find my panic room.

In these trying times, when women’s rights are being trampled, I draw strength from the roles I’ve played. Like the tenacious Zorleena from Space Admiral Dracula. Or the delightfully irascible Beast Woman M’Tumbe in Tarzan on Ice: The Musical.

Hello, creatures! I’m here and you’re welcome. And yes, I’m still working on my album Hot Garbage, a fundraising effort to combat the effects of climate change in Connecticut.