Richard Pantis
@dickpantis.bsky.social
Journalist | Think Tank CEO | "Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers." - Voltaire
Starmer Bumps: those sudden gooseflesh eruptions when Sir Keir finds his cadence. Syllables striking like tuning forks, stirring marrow, thrilling blood. Not politics as usual, but politics as symphony. And you, the listener, are the instrument.
October 1, 2025 at 7:58 AM
Starmer Bumps: those sudden gooseflesh eruptions when Sir Keir finds his cadence. Syllables striking like tuning forks, stirring marrow, thrilling blood. Not politics as usual, but politics as symphony. And you, the listener, are the instrument.
AI will never replace British journalists: they wield irony like a scalpel, dissect absurdity, and know instinctively when to be polite, or ruthlessly cutting. Algorithms can mimic words; they cannot summon the judgment of a newsroom anchored in sensible reason.
September 7, 2025 at 11:41 AM
AI will never replace British journalists: they wield irony like a scalpel, dissect absurdity, and know instinctively when to be polite, or ruthlessly cutting. Algorithms can mimic words; they cannot summon the judgment of a newsroom anchored in sensible reason.
🚨🚨🚨COURT ADJOURNED: I've been told that the Father Ted co-creator, Gram Lineham, has suffered severe fit of psychogastrocolic expulsiosis in the middle of his trial, resulting in a premature end to today's proceedings.
September 4, 2025 at 2:04 PM
🚨🚨🚨COURT ADJOURNED: I've been told that the Father Ted co-creator, Gram Lineham, has suffered severe fit of psychogastrocolic expulsiosis in the middle of his trial, resulting in a premature end to today's proceedings.
🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: A Labour insider tells me that Sir Keir Starmer has been at Trump's bedside for the past two hours, cradling his head and dabbing his brow with a cold flannel. Doctors have explained to Starmer that Trump, his good friend, is unlikely to make it through the night.
September 2, 2025 at 10:13 PM
🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: A Labour insider tells me that Sir Keir Starmer has been at Trump's bedside for the past two hours, cradling his head and dabbing his brow with a cold flannel. Doctors have explained to Starmer that Trump, his good friend, is unlikely to make it through the night.
Me for The Telegraph: Former comedy writer Graham Linehan heroically smears own excrement on toilet walls and seat in the latest battle against trans activists.
September 2, 2025 at 11:50 AM
Me for The Telegraph: Former comedy writer Graham Linehan heroically smears own excrement on toilet walls and seat in the latest battle against trans activists.
A snippet from The Competence Trick. Chapter V: Birth of Leader.
August 28, 2025 at 12:54 PM
A snippet from The Competence Trick. Chapter V: Birth of Leader.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Guardian
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Times
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The New European
"Pantis packs a hell of a punch!" - Kelvin Knox
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Times
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The New European
"Pantis packs a hell of a punch!" - Kelvin Knox
August 27, 2025 at 7:41 AM
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Guardian
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Times
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The New European
"Pantis packs a hell of a punch!" - Kelvin Knox
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Times
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The New European
"Pantis packs a hell of a punch!" - Kelvin Knox
A snippet from my new book, The Competence Trick, a deep dive into the sensible world of Sir Keir Starmer.
August 26, 2025 at 9:59 PM
A snippet from my new book, The Competence Trick, a deep dive into the sensible world of Sir Keir Starmer.
BREAKING Tommy Robinson fled scene on the back of a cat after assaulting man, staff at St Pancras have revealed.
July 30, 2025 at 9:15 AM
BREAKING Tommy Robinson fled scene on the back of a cat after assaulting man, staff at St Pancras have revealed.
I was at The Spectator garden party when I found out about Corbyn starting a new party. Beth Rigby literally shat herself and an elderly man's SS hat fell off.
July 4, 2025 at 7:04 AM
I was at The Spectator garden party when I found out about Corbyn starting a new party. Beth Rigby literally shat herself and an elderly man's SS hat fell off.
As a British journalist, I pledge my allegiance to the ancient scrolls of Sensible Grown-up Politics, hereby renewing my duty to do whatever is necessary to ensure that chaos with Corbyn is avoided.
July 4, 2025 at 7:01 AM
As a British journalist, I pledge my allegiance to the ancient scrolls of Sensible Grown-up Politics, hereby renewing my duty to do whatever is necessary to ensure that chaos with Corbyn is avoided.
Congratulation, Peter Cardwell, winner of the highest honour in British journalism. It's the job of the British journalist to search through the bins of undesirables and expose their depravity, however tenuous the accusation may be: "Toploader have never driven a lorry."
July 1, 2025 at 9:10 AM
Congratulation, Peter Cardwell, winner of the highest honour in British journalism. It's the job of the British journalist to search through the bins of undesirables and expose their depravity, however tenuous the accusation may be: "Toploader have never driven a lorry."
Well, well, well, Mr Bob Vylan. Let's see what we have here, shall we? The box from a Planty Sweet 'N' Sour Tempeh ready meal? Bit pricey, I bet. And what's this? A load of flyers for local takeaways? How's that going to solve global warming, eh?
June 30, 2025 at 7:45 AM
Well, well, well, Mr Bob Vylan. Let's see what we have here, shall we? The box from a Planty Sweet 'N' Sour Tempeh ready meal? Bit pricey, I bet. And what's this? A load of flyers for local takeaways? How's that going to solve global warming, eh?
Congratulations, Beth Rigby, winner of the highest achievement in British journalist, The Pantis Prize. Your personal insight into Starmer, the man behind the blue suit and quiff, is in stark contrast to how others see him - as a tireless supporter of anti-disabled policies.
June 28, 2025 at 9:27 AM
Congratulations, Beth Rigby, winner of the highest achievement in British journalist, The Pantis Prize. Your personal insight into Starmer, the man behind the blue suit and quiff, is in stark contrast to how others see him - as a tireless supporter of anti-disabled policies.
Tragically, I've just been told by a colleague at whichever publication Benjamin Butterworth is pretending to write for this week that he was hit by a ballistic missile last night. A dark day for British journalism.
June 15, 2025 at 8:08 AM
Tragically, I've just been told by a colleague at whichever publication Benjamin Butterworth is pretending to write for this week that he was hit by a ballistic missile last night. A dark day for British journalism.
New thermal images of the interior of Jeremy Corbyn's Islington home seem to suggest that he's harbouring weapons of mass destruction.
June 15, 2025 at 8:07 AM
New thermal images of the interior of Jeremy Corbyn's Islington home seem to suggest that he's harbouring weapons of mass destruction.
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Despite constantly insisting that he's always grafting, I've been unable to find any evidence that Toma Skinner has ever worked a day in his life, just footage of him eating runny meals while he stares geezer-like into a camera.
June 11, 2025 at 7:24 AM
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Despite constantly insisting that he's always grafting, I've been unable to find any evidence that Toma Skinner has ever worked a day in his life, just footage of him eating runny meals while he stares geezer-like into a camera.
I'm hearing that he shopped in Waitrose, could play the piano, and had a subscription to Sky TV. It's just not like a "family man" to do something like this. Completely out of character.
May 29, 2025 at 5:43 PM
I'm hearing that he shopped in Waitrose, could play the piano, and had a subscription to Sky TV. It's just not like a "family man" to do something like this. Completely out of character.
The highest achievement in British journalism, The Pantis Prize, has today been awarded to David Maddox, whose latest article blames Jeremy Corbyn for Labour's support of the mass slaughter of civilians in Gaza.
May 22, 2025 at 7:04 AM
The highest achievement in British journalism, The Pantis Prize, has today been awarded to David Maddox, whose latest article blames Jeremy Corbyn for Labour's support of the mass slaughter of civilians in Gaza.
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Very interesting that the footballing hard-left radical Gary Lineker buys houmous, which sounds a lot like Hamas. You'll notice that he buys Waitrose Essential, too, instead of the Israeli brand Sabra. Why is this?
May 20, 2025 at 5:11 PM
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Very interesting that the footballing hard-left radical Gary Lineker buys houmous, which sounds a lot like Hamas. You'll notice that he buys Waitrose Essential, too, instead of the Israeli brand Sabra. Why is this?
Gary Lineker is now a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family's security.
May 20, 2025 at 7:42 AM
Gary Lineker is now a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family's security.
This is a goddamn lie, Crerar. Sir Keir banished "the left" to the earth's core after Corbyn's reign of terror for being terrorist sympathising communists.
May 9, 2025 at 7:36 AM
This is a goddamn lie, Crerar. Sir Keir banished "the left" to the earth's core after Corbyn's reign of terror for being terrorist sympathising communists.
After a difficult start, Starmer finds himself - for the moment - with approbation from the media and opposition politicians. Nobody need look at the polling figures to get the sense that the entire country is united behind this bold and deeply impressive leader.
May 7, 2025 at 9:24 AM
After a difficult start, Starmer finds himself - for the moment - with approbation from the media and opposition politicians. Nobody need look at the polling figures to get the sense that the entire country is united behind this bold and deeply impressive leader.
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Keir Starmer's Downing Street PC has Shrek wallpaper.
May 7, 2025 at 9:22 AM
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Keir Starmer's Downing Street PC has Shrek wallpaper.
Please help. The Guardian is sick and dying.
April 20, 2025 at 6:53 PM
Please help. The Guardian is sick and dying.