im learning to unlearn the bitterness i have because im not stagnant and ive improved. i can always go back to these and learn to adopt some of the things i used to do and maybe do them better. and have fun

2023 was A Year where i reached an inbetween of "wow im getting better" while also going "i have to get better in order to get comms" and it burnt me out terribly. and now i... kind of hate my art a little bit

i admit i do feel better just letting myself type my thoughts out here x((

i hate myself for not pushing myself to get back to where i was before bc im finally playing music that i wouldve been fine learning after highschool but i was scared to pursue music because of low self-esteem. i hate myself for everything ive done in fear because ive only hurt myself in the end

its better i see it now, right? its better later than never, right? it feels so painful though and i hate how im feeling it now

ive been scared. i really never thought i'd get this far in my life and now that im faced with everything i keep kicking myself for holding myself back out of fear of failure because now im facing the built up consequences of that. i feel like such an idiot

Thank you Gait 🥹 its taken me a long time to get to this point honestly, especially to convince myself that the day is never over at a certain time. If it starts at 3 or 4pm, then thats when I shower or get out of bed,, I can start whenever and thats okay and valid

And im doing okay and getting by just fine

The fact I can balance it all and still pass my classes, learn my music, draw AND stream is a miracle. And I have to put that into perspective for myself to understand. When theres other college students that also stream, theyre not (usually) pursuing something in the fine arts like me