MS fucking sucks and seeing my mom rapidly decline and reach a point we can’t slow it down anymore with treatment is fucking horrifying because it’s going to hurt her even more and the kids are going to face having to have their lives upheaved again to then come be here with me and ugh

which feels selfish to say because my mom is the one going through it and i’m merely here to be support but i feel so inadequate and unprepared despite this being an inevitable moment we all knew would come for us eventually

but also i don’t know how else i’ll survive because it feels like i’m drowning

i know it would have probably ended the same way. but at least i could feel like i tried and not like somehow i could have prevented it.

even if it had to somehow be pretending he was with my parents with the other kids and not on our shabby apartment. we could have tried harder to make it work and keep them all safe and together.

but god dammit i don’t care,
it. should. have. been. me.

i should have found a way to take on the responsibility, dropped out of grad school if i had to. even if i legally couldn’t be his guardian and do the adoption because i didn’t have the requirements,

you got this bb!!! 🖤

i didn’t know my heart could shatter any more than it already has today but i dared myself to hope so here we are. i feel so stupid.

and I hope my sister rots in hell

do 13 year olds still love dinosaurs and space and spider man and vanilla cake with chocolate icing and skateboards and baseball and Naruto and -

I don’t know. I don’t know how to celebrate him anymore.

And I just really hate the month of July.

My heart is in shatters. Because the other kids are also not okay right now either, they know and feel the void that should be him too. And I’ll never forgive my sister for letting this happen.

I know it’s just going to become a wider distance between my memory of him and who he is each passing year. I’m not his person anymore, how could I be when he was pulled away from us like this and is unreachable and might not even want to be at this point?

I’d like to think these things would be instinctual because I’m aunt akia and I’m his person and we could pick it up back where we left it but I know that’s not true.