Finding out what kinks my friends have by seeing what reels they liked on the gram 🥰

Why can't I do cardio in bed with a man? Why do I have to go to the gym an' all that?

I'm in the public restroom of a Mormon run thrift store, and the lady in the stall next to me lets out a toot. She immediately says, "Sorry, it's the meds I'm on." She toots again and continues, "meds in my belly, sorry!"

Meanwhile, I had FOUR-flush diarrhea and apologized to know one.

My first one-night stand was the same night I went to the club with a broken ankle.
I feel like there's a joke in there about one-night stand and having to stand on only one foot, but I don't know what it is.

Tip for being a freak like me:

Instead of saying goodbye as you part ways from someone, say, "See you in church."
This works especially well with strangers.

Good joke:

If a loved one make you pancakes,tell them you think.the pancakes are, "flipping pantastic."

January 1, 2023

I ate 12 grapes and I did not enjoy it.
My boyfriend smiled at my lady neighbor through the kitchen window, as he had me bent over a dining chair.

The saying "single as a pringle" makes no sense. Those are the most locked in polyamorous chips I've ever seen.

KENTUCKY
We are in the middle of the track of Churchill Downs. People bet on us. You're doing bourbon shots off me. All the racing horses have erections now. It looks like there's a Louisville slugger in your pants. You bend me over. The crowd cheers as you climax. Colonel Sanders nods in approval.

My new hobby is writing the perfect porno for each state.

Here is Florida

We are having sex on the back of a gator. I'm shooting off guns into the sky with every thrust.
A crowd of retired folks watch from their lawn chairs. As you're about to cum, a hurricane approaches.
Walt Disney is there.

Last black Friday all I bought was plan B

I will confess here that I have used a leaf blower to clean INSIDE my house. 🌪🌪🌪

TIL that my father calls his belly his "storm pack."

When you say "Blue lives matter," this is all I think of

I am ungovernable. I cut my pizza slice in half hamburger style. I ate the half with the crust and left the tip.