A woman is sitting at her dead husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and ask, "Do you mind if I say a word? "

"No, go right ahead." She replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, and says "Plethora", and then sits back down.

The widow says, "Thanks. That means a lot."

The lady janitor at my office asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

My daughter asked me who my favourite vampire is. I said the one from Sesame Street. She said he doesn't count.

I said that I'm pretty sure he does

My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don’t believe him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.