My dog escaped.

I'd had my suspicions..
The noises at night
(The sounds of scratching, digging, an electric saw)

My worst fears were realised when he didn't turn up for his morning roll call
I pulled down his poster of Turner and Hooch to find a gaping hole in his crate

He came back for lunch

This film is based on a true story
For the sake of good storytelling
All of the
Facts
Events
People
Dates
and Story
Have been fictionalised
To be honest I shouldn't have based it on that story at all, it's shite.

Phillip started judging books by their covers
The librarian lost her shit
He walked down the aisles passing judgement on the lot of em
He felt free
Phillip took this new freedom into the real world and judged the shit out of it
He was cancelled almost immediately
He judged that pretty unfair

I went to the shop and bought a cash cow
I got her home and installed her in the living room
She was absolutely ravenous so I mowed the lawn and dumped the grass on the carpet
I began milking furiously in hopes of securing that coin
And got a pat on the back for my trouble

I went for a date with Snow White
She got dropped off by 7 lads
I was a bit sheepish to say the least
She glugged down cider like it was going out of fashion
Then covered her dinner in apple sauce
And ordered the crumble for pud
She was playing a bit fast and loose with these apples if you ask me

I bought a puppy and went on pupternity leave
My boss was furious until he saw how cute he was
He chewed my workdesk to ribbons
Then tucked into my birkenstocks for dessert
The floor got coated in a thick layer of urine
(That one was on me to be fair to the lad)

Eventually I went back to work

We started alphabet dating
We went to the Aquarium, Bowling, Crabbing and Dogging
The next day we Egged a house, Fawned over a stranger's baby and Gave in to addiction
It was getting harder
We got to S and Separated
But then we had a Wedding
Finally we caught some Z’s

The gooch between Christmas and New Year had blasted straight through into the arsehole of 2025
It stank
The gyms were bloody ramo
And people were doing pilates all over the shop
You couldn't move for 0% Guinness
I put my fake Christmas tree out front to be collected
But the bin men were wfh