What do you call a bunch of anxious dinosaurs? Nervous Rex.

I read a fantastic book about glue recently. I couldn’t put it down.

‘The minute I got off the plane in New York, 15,000 people started crowding around me. If you don’t believe me, ask Marlon Brando. He was standing right next to me.’ - Tommy Cooper

"When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather—not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." - Spike Milligan (attrib.)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? 🚜 It turned into a field.

Why do penguins go around in pairs? Freeze a crowd.

“Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only man ever named after three sheepdogs” - Billy Connolly

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

Before an exam I always make sure I listen to a specific Stevie Wonder song, and that song alone. It’s just Superstition.

I told me wife I got a job at the bowling alley. Ten pin she said. No it’s a permanent post I replied.