asked a bitch to suck my bisque, she said not till i chowed her clam

If I had 20 knuckles I’d punch 20 mice at once #iamjustnotagoodperson

won’t let my #wife stop me from rubbing my legs together like a cricket

i don’t care that zooey deschanel has me in her snipers’ crosshairs at every waking moment. i need to speak the truth. i actually coined the term “adorkable” as part of a covert operation in Montréal in 1997 and it does NOT mean what she’s telling you it does…

i could tell my two daughters that i heard “hawk tuah” for the first time during a job interview. but that wouldn’t interest them. they don’t even care that their old man is out here making an EFFORT…

is no one else gonna talk about how the Pope came back from Turkey with a new hairline or am i the one person who’s not afraid of getting cancelled by the Woke Vatican?

praying to God (the normal one) that my stepdad goes bald. and praying to the other God (the new one) that my stepdad gets even hairier to see who delivers first

Everyday I eat cornmeal and metal

Everyday you beg your wife for milk

they call me Johnny UTI, i wander the countryside teaching the people to wipe back to front

If she’s beefing go find Stewart

knuckle tats that say BEEF STEW