I had something in me killed years ago.

I gotta crowdkill to Offer Aan De Leegte (sorry Sasha)

hopefully they have a secret set that's at least partially comprised of tracks from that

:(

Stavys character was so painful to watch it was perfect

do I have a inbuilt drive to self destruct or self terminate, and do I have you to blame? am I doomed to hurt people like you did? can I blame you or is that a cop out?

did you create the conditions in my mothers life that lead her to where she is now, or did you chance upon her when she was already like that? did you make her more prone to violence towards me because of what you did to her? did I inherit the way I used to drink from you?

you were in jail the night of my birth I've been told. drug selling charges. is that a good excuse? should I accept you were a victim too, did you turn to that because of your circumstances or because you felt it was easy. where exactly did you grow up, what was it like, what did it do to you?

yet i've spent more of my life at the hands of a women who would hit me at slight provocation, has ruined her life through substance abuse and alienated her family through manipulative and violent behaviour too. i've grown to hate her more, yet did you leave me to that fate?

absent for the majority of my life. absent from my birth. thinking about the court reports i read about the things he did to my mother. thinking about how I was told he decided I probably wasn't his. I barely have a face to put to him, save for knowing it probably looks a lot like mine.

regressing