If I were a Federal employee required to tell fElon what I did last week:

M - F: spent eight hours per day not breaking the law, not subverting our Constitution, not getting hopped up on Ketamine, not wielding a chainsaw like a drunken frat boy, not fucking over the American people

How ‘bout you?

What is it with all these conservative man-babies running around, breaking every toy in sight? I spent three yrs studying public administration and you can’t just pull the wires on programs and services that assist hundreds of other programs and services; the interconnectivity precludes knee-jerk

How to make the NBA All-Star Game mean something again? Make it a competitive game and not a side show?

The winning conference doubles the prize money for the playoffs for their conference AND doubles the prize money if a team from that conference wins the Championship.

I’ve been in a weird state of mind since the end of the Super Bowl; I’m calling it “happy shock”.

Loved watching the Chiefs get curb-stomped … but still in shock at how great the Eagles played. That may have been the single-greatest single-game performance in team history.

Happy … but in shock ..

As an Eagles fan, I was naturally rooting for them to win. However, this morning, I asked the Football Gods for an Eagles’ blowout. A gutsy request … but happy they saw fit to grant it.

I cried with joy in 2018 … tonight, I was giddy with every new sack and every new score …

Conservatives: We ain’t no socialists! We want to pay less in taxes! Get rid of government!

Also conservatives: Why can’t they fix our roads and bridges? Why don’t we have enough cops? Why are our schools failing? Why did you close the public pool? Why does our water run brown?

Texans showing great balance on offense …

Logic gone bad:

Woman: I am bucking tradition by NOT taking my husband’s name when I get married. I will, instead, take my mother’s maiden name. I refuse to bow to the patriarchy.

Bystander: You mean your grandfather’s name?

Here’s a reminder to Notre Dame fans: if you win Monday night, by the transverse law, NIU becomes the national champions

We Huskie alums are rooting for you …

When I was a kid, I often heard my parents remind me not to act like a child; part of growing older meant learning maturity.

What we have now are way too many people lacking maturity. They’re not angry with “woke”; they’re angry that others want them to act like adults.

Eric Clapton is missing out on millions in jingle royalties:

“If your hair's going thin
Want some more to come in
Rogaine

If there's nothing to comb
You don't wanna stay home
Rogaine

Grow some hair
Grow some hair
Grow some hair
Rogaine ..."

What we get:

DEM: I would point out …
REP: And you would be …
DEM: Reclaiming my time …

What we need:

DEM: I would point out …
REP: And you would be …
DEM: Unless you have something important to add … shut your mouth. Now.

Person at Lincoln Financial Field, wearing Packers gear: “I don’t understand why Eagles fans were so mean to me.”

Forget that it’s Philly … do you routinely visit other teams’ stadiums in your Packer gear expecting to be invited into their tailgates? Or that they will cheer when your team scores?

“Most men would rather promote the possibility of becoming rich than to ever admit being poor” — John Dickinson

This explains the hero-worship of awful rich people like Trump, Musk, Thiel, et al … they all think they’re one lottery win or long-list rich relative away from being rich themselves.

Things we learned from Bugs Bunny …

Guy 1: I love listening to “Ride Of The Valkyries” when I’m on the treadmill.

Guy 2: I’m not familiar with that song.

Guy 1: “Kill The Wabbit” …

Guy 2: Oh, *that* song …

Seen on the internet today. While my own daughter never said this out loud, I’m sure she must have thought it more than once:

Dad: Young lady, you need to fix that attitude of yours.

Daughter: Please refer all problems with your product to the manufacturer.

For those following along who may not have heard …

One of our local restaurants has a sign so small that when they post their special of the day and ice cream of the day, you get these culinary treats:

Liver and Onions Caramel Swirl
Fried Chicken Fudge Brownie
Baked Mostaccoli Raspberry Sorbet
Chili French Vanilla

When glorifying another team’s offensive coordinator, it pays to ask: is he so good because he’s good … or is he good because his boss lets him loose? And … when said OC is carrying the clipboard, will he be as aggressive as his former boss?