“what would you get out of it, you have no one, you’re about of shape, you’re past your prime, give up, shirt and jeans it’s all you’ll ever look good in” and bam, I crumble.

Idk man, fuck my brain and fuck being like this.

Can’t even bring myself to put anything but a tshirt and pants for a rave, I stood there looking in the mirror for 20 minutes, on full harness, trying to step out and go to the event. But every time with out a fail, my brain just goes

But no, I am not, you don’t live rent free in my head, you’re the fucking landlord. Fuck.

And it fucks with me so much. I can’t even be myself, I want to be more open about being a dom/top, but I can’t cause every single time I try, I just get scared and nervous

And I can’t anymore, people hit on me, tell me I’m hot, tell me they’d be all over me, and it makes me feel nothing, cause like a stupid fucking idiot, I am just thinking of the same 2 dudes that dodged me, when I was on my knees begging them to just give me a shot. I should be over them

A bunch of “sorry I just don’t see you that way” “yeah I’ve been burned before so I am not giving anyone a chance” “oh you are too far away, it will never work” and I just fall back into the habit of being the understanding one, and I fade out their memory until I don’t even exist for them.

And it makes me so jealous, I wish I could open to people more and not hide behind the “oooh I’m shy” mask.

And to fuck with me even more, when I think I found some, when I start to take that first step, it always a fucking mess of emotions-

Or I see them happy with their partners, and I just ask myself, do I get my turn? Do I get to feel that again?

But then I feel selfish cause seeing others that I care happy with their relationships makes me happy. Idfk man.

And I am getting so frustrated, I’ve really tried but casual sex it’s not my thing. No matter how hard I try, how much I push myself to open to other I just can’t, I am not wired like that, I’m too much of a Demi faggot, meanwhile I see all of my friends who are poly live their best selves-

For the first 2 I was vibin, I felt like I didn’t need anything and I just coast alone, enjoying the freedom. But now, I can’t go a day without thinking about what it felt someone to touch me, to touch them, share that intimacy.