i would have killed to have a refrigerator mother

please go away and leave me here to wallow in my own misery. no wait not like that

i was never much one for the theater. i was one for loud snacks

do you think the ebi and the hamachi in the sushi ever look at each other and think "we look so pretty all done up like this"

there are only like twelve emotions, how can it be so hard to figure out which one you're feeling

after they're done playing the world's smallest violin, it must be pretty hard to get it back in the case

starting a new alt gives you the freedom to be ignored by an entirely new set of people

i don't mind people living rent free in my head as long as they're considerate roommates

what if none of the decades were good

if i were a letter, i'd be marked insufficient postage

it's hard to know where the depression ends and the me begins

sometimes i wish i could go back to a simpler time. when i didn't know how the sausage is made. or how the cheese is made. or how anything is made, really.

i could just eat jello and casu marzu forever