it’s hard to watch myself do this stuff. i feel guilty but i cant bring myself to fix it, i just wish it was over

it would be so much easier if i could just cease to exist yknow? nothing to worry about no guilt never feeling like i’m wasting away

sundays have not been good to me

also why ive actively avoided relationships. sure id have my one sided crush here and there, but part of me is glad nothing ever works out. im too broken and fucked up for another person

i dont like talking about how i feel, how i /really/ feel, to other people. which is why i rant here. bc i’m just yelling into the void my deepest, darkest, fucked up parts of my mind

i would be doing the world a favor if i just died. the only thing i would be good for are the worms and fungus

i dont want to live this way. i dont want to feel like i have to mutilate myself to cope with these feelings

i want to literally rip my skin off, break all the bones in my body, then beat myself in the head with a baseball bat. bc im angry.

sure my friends will say otherwise but when you have trust issues it’s really hard to take anyone’s words seriously. i cant trust anyone

i cant have decent days lately bc every little thing, every minor incident, every insignificant feeling has my brain whispering that there’s no point in living this way. that im angry over nothing that i’m the real freak in the room and everything is out to get me. everyone hates me.

so what’s the point? why keep existing just to suffer by my own brain? why not just go outside and jump into a river? or jump off a bridge? what is literally the point of suffering so much when there’s no escape other than death

every time i feel that persistent anger relapsing it makes me think i’ll never be free from my own mind’s mission to ruin my life

i wish it would just end i dont want to keep improving myself having those long bouts of good times for it to come crashing down again

until i’m so sick and so tired of just feeling anything that i would just rather die in a painful, violent death just so i could feel Anything but anger and embarrassment. embarrassment that i act this way, the way i feel, the way i think. it’s pathetic

god i wish i coudl just let it go or not let every little thing bother me but that’s not how my brain works. the autism holds onto every little detail and replays it in my mind. it’s literally like slow acting poison. the more i have to see it loop in my head the worse i feel

and i feel like such a desgrace, an embarrassment. “just let things go” “dont let things bother you” you think i want this? you think i WANT to cry myself to sleep over something like fucking video games or art?????? you think i /want/ those things? who wants to live like that????

want to draw but noooooooo rsd has to literally kill off any desire to do anything. i cant draw anything well i cant do anything well so i should just lay down in the road and wait for it to be over

i just wanna play my stupid games w the only people who dont seem to make me wanna commit murder suicide but nooo everyone is insufferable everywhere