Guys, stop he’s playing 4D chess…with one D at a time.

When I pick my son up from the skatepark:

Due to a shelter-in-place order and ongoing safety concerns following a shooting that targeted two elected officials, the No Kings protest in Northeast Minneapolis has been canceled.

Our thoughts are with the victims, their families, and the communities impacted by this horrifying violence.

@saturdaynightlive.bsky.social can’t wait for the next season. You’ll have plenty of material. 😊

I’d love for JD Vance to meet my abuser.

When someone drives by me in a Cybertruck:

“Oh look, it’s a d*ck in a box!”

What next? No vaccinations for animals because some misinformed YouTube personality said it can give them Pawtism??

These are the guys aiding in Elon’s government takeover. The longer you stare, the strong smell of Axe Anarchy haunts your nostrils. Don’t sneeze! A-Coup!

If they hit you with 'libtard,' 'woke,' 'commie,' or roast your looks, congrats—you’ve found someone who’s intellectually bankrupt. Don’t waste your breath; they’re not worth the oxygen. Let nature do its thing and turn them into fertilizer. Some people are just here to enrich the soil.

I wish Elon had the obsessed-with-the-Titanic-wreckage-autism and not access-to-sensitive-treasury-information-autism. There’s at least a solution for one of these things.

Every time I hear RFK JR, he just sounds like a garbage disposal. It’s the rattling and metal grinding sound coming from his larynx.

I would like to soft launch a new name
for our country, “The Divided States of Whatever.”