My New Year’s resolution is to continue doing everything exactly the same in order to avoid the disappointment of inevitably forgetting about my resolution. I think I hacked the system!

Went home to visit family for the holidays for my annual reminder of why I don’t go home anymore. See ya next year!

You know what… I’m going back to bed

Facebook memories from 2008 me are really bringing down my vibe!

I mean, if you want to get technical, you really only LEASE corn.

Is it Friday yet?

PSA: If my house were on fire and you were selling fire extinguishers, there’s still a less than 0% chance I would buy them from you if you came to my door soliciting! Don’t knock on my door unless I know you’re coming or you’re telling me my house is indeed on fire. Thank you, get fucked

Hawk tuah’d my life savings away… Now I need to talk tuah therapist

Did you know that if you punch a bear, you can feel what it’s like to be attacked by a bear? Now you know

Well, the conspiracy theory nuts were wrong about the alien invasion happening today, and I’m a little bummed. I really could’ve used the break. I’m tired boss

Just gonna leave these here! 😊

Man… Nobody’s hateful on here and it’s weirding me out

So I watched Moana 2 with the family and it was great! Songs aren’t as catchy, but the story is every bit as good as the original

“Son In-law” with Pauly Shore is easily the best Thanksgiving movie of all time

If a vegan became a zombie, what would they eat? 🤔

Y’all got any of those followers I keep hearing about?! I’m lonely over here!

I’m as good at posting consistently as Aaron Rogers is at not being a douche

I just got here and I’m not sure what to do with my hands

The original “The Fast and the Furious” is a cinematic masterpiece… I said what I said