Really just want to lay on the floor and not exist for an hour or several. Fawk.

Between severe pain and a major tank in my mood, today is just being too much.

And I don't want to pick open that scab again when I am inevitably asked what happened.

That ping pong ball of grief is smacking hard on the sides of the jar I think and it's making me brace myself for people to leave once again.

Even though it's not happening and it's not my fault if it does

- 🦖

It's why I've found it so hard to get back into recording and writing for our podcast. The podcast started before and had a tone that I think is gone forever.

But I still want to do it. I still have the passion for it.

But I'm worried our regulars, if they return, will notice the sadness.

-🦖

And I'm afraid to get close to them again.

Or get close to people who have known me since the tragedy happened. People who didn't go through it with me. Because what if they see something worth leaving? What if they see how it was before and like that version of me better?

-🦖

And I look at communities i used to be an active member of and I realize that I really just ... can't go back and it scares me. There were people there who I still love dearly who I also feel awkward as hell talking to because the last time we talked, I was funnier. I was mildly more well.

-🦖

And like ... I hate that i feel like I need to vent somewhere where almost no one will see but like ... I don't want folks to worry, I don't want to be a drama king. I just feel I need to get the words out and see them and look at them and know if it's just me or if there's something wrong.

-🦖