I feel like I can just exist without it being constant meaningless suffering. I've been playing a nerdy game where you terraform a planet and, like, manufacturing concrete for hours.

I don't have much of an art style because depression makes it virtually impossible to do anything creative. I manage just about but not enough in a highly competitive environment. But anyway. I'll try to give myself a break from thinking about it. My new antidepressant combo is helping at the moment

I think the older I get the more I want to replace things with identical things. Apparently this is autistic. I did the same with my laptop. Anyway - I am back playing roller derby, maybe. I did it for over 10 years, & I am a nerd for gear. I got some vouchers for Xmas & bought a set of bearings :p

applying heat to my lower left abdomen at the front helps. Always have problems there.
Depression is a bit better with new meds. Things with my partner are good. Hoping her health is getting better. Not focusing so much on precarious position / us being stuck, disabled, unemployed, etc.

I fell over a lot and have a massive bruise on my butt. People were very kind though and it was still a good experience I think, only mildly humiliating. It's good to be doing it again and I've ordered new wheels & bearings. Having tailbone pain, though that seems to be IBS related.

it's so hard for me to think of myself as disabled when my primary issues are emotional - deep and multilayered depression - even though I recognize it objectively, when not applied to myself, as having the potential to be the worst suffering imaginable.

and that has left in my wake a trail of abandoned identities and relationships and horrifying messes. I'm too fragile to face conflict which greatly limits me. I do not like EUPD as a diagnosis, but it is accurate as a group of characteristics at least, and it's the most painful thing in the world.

Done in time to post it and get there for Christmas. thankfully.