where did the fun internet go? everyone's just pissed off now.

If your PDF opens in a web browser, your mom's a hoe.

Don't mess with my Family, Faith, Freedom, or Guns. Do not under any circumstances mess with my wiener. Do not tickle my butthole or poke into it when I'm walking upstairs. Don't save your poop for a couple of weeks and put it under the door handles of my truck. How many times do I have to say this?

“ooo, I found 5 dollars!" i say as i watch the cruise ship I fell off of fade away into the horizon.

Every Margaritaville will one day pour their last frozen margarita. But we try not to think about it.

Pooour me something short and weak. Make it a gust of wind before I do a sin.
- Billy Joel and Cat Scratch Beaver

I'm cruisin for a cruisin. (About to board a cruise)

If we pasted all the nipples in the world onto a sphere (replicas, of course) what would that look like?

I've never eaten a substantial amount of poop. (Flirting)