@captainsqueezcheez.bsky.social
Pinned
About me:
I am an entity who pilots a flesh mecha. I like small plastic things, questionable cheese products, art, an array of music, and saying things.
I am an entity who pilots a flesh mecha. I like small plastic things, questionable cheese products, art, an array of music, and saying things.
The need to tell someone all of my intrusive thoughts is balanced exactly by not wanting anyone to know what they are. Even one person knowing is too many.
NO HORNY JAIL CAN HOLD ME!
NO HORNY JAIL CAN HOLD ME!
November 1, 2025 at 11:06 AM
The need to tell someone all of my intrusive thoughts is balanced exactly by not wanting anyone to know what they are. Even one person knowing is too many.
NO HORNY JAIL CAN HOLD ME!
NO HORNY JAIL CAN HOLD ME!
Q: How do I know when I've had too many mixed berries?
A: When you throw up and your vomit is dark purple/red
A: When you throw up and your vomit is dark purple/red
September 20, 2025 at 1:33 PM
Q: How do I know when I've had too many mixed berries?
A: When you throw up and your vomit is dark purple/red
A: When you throw up and your vomit is dark purple/red
Questionable cheese is the best cheese. If it comes in a can and makes Gluck Gluck sounds when you shake it then I'm sold on it.
August 29, 2025 at 8:01 AM
Questionable cheese is the best cheese. If it comes in a can and makes Gluck Gluck sounds when you shake it then I'm sold on it.
You're like if a rusty speculum had spikes and talked about how good it thinks it is but in reality actually sucks and should be made to fuck off somewhere where it's only its own problem.
August 20, 2025 at 10:49 AM
You're like if a rusty speculum had spikes and talked about how good it thinks it is but in reality actually sucks and should be made to fuck off somewhere where it's only its own problem.
I'd say I'm about five years from being the proud owner of a sexbot.
July 18, 2025 at 3:40 PM
I'd say I'm about five years from being the proud owner of a sexbot.
There are no Whitecastle locations near me. I must therefore resort to making my own square burgers.
I think the square is unfairly maligned in many ways.
I think the square is unfairly maligned in many ways.
June 25, 2025 at 10:57 AM
There are no Whitecastle locations near me. I must therefore resort to making my own square burgers.
I think the square is unfairly maligned in many ways.
I think the square is unfairly maligned in many ways.
Anthropomorphized bunny girl prostitutes.
AI slop ads are getting worse. They can't advertise to me properly at all.
Realdolls or get the fuck out!
AI slop ads are getting worse. They can't advertise to me properly at all.
Realdolls or get the fuck out!
June 23, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Anthropomorphized bunny girl prostitutes.
AI slop ads are getting worse. They can't advertise to me properly at all.
Realdolls or get the fuck out!
AI slop ads are getting worse. They can't advertise to me properly at all.
Realdolls or get the fuck out!
Me to sleep paralysis demons: AW COME ON, at least take the form of something I can masturbate to!
April 24, 2025 at 1:30 PM
Me to sleep paralysis demons: AW COME ON, at least take the form of something I can masturbate to!
Everything in this world is either a bullet wound Fleshlight or not.
April 18, 2025 at 4:50 PM
Everything in this world is either a bullet wound Fleshlight or not.
Top tip!
Next time you're at mcdonalds, instead of ordering a Happy Meal, order an Extremely Earth-Shatteringly Unreasonably Fuck-Ass Mad Meal.
OR
Decide to eat elsewhere.
Next time you're at mcdonalds, instead of ordering a Happy Meal, order an Extremely Earth-Shatteringly Unreasonably Fuck-Ass Mad Meal.
OR
Decide to eat elsewhere.
March 14, 2025 at 8:01 AM
Top tip!
Next time you're at mcdonalds, instead of ordering a Happy Meal, order an Extremely Earth-Shatteringly Unreasonably Fuck-Ass Mad Meal.
OR
Decide to eat elsewhere.
Next time you're at mcdonalds, instead of ordering a Happy Meal, order an Extremely Earth-Shatteringly Unreasonably Fuck-Ass Mad Meal.
OR
Decide to eat elsewhere.
Normalise shouting the names of condiments during sex.
March 4, 2025 at 4:39 AM
Normalise shouting the names of condiments during sex.
Things we don't have where I live
1. Velveeta (a TRAVESTY!)
2. Chick fil A (Not fussed by that one, quite frankly)
3. Waffle House
1. Velveeta (a TRAVESTY!)
2. Chick fil A (Not fussed by that one, quite frankly)
3. Waffle House
February 25, 2025 at 10:44 AM
Things we don't have where I live
1. Velveeta (a TRAVESTY!)
2. Chick fil A (Not fussed by that one, quite frankly)
3. Waffle House
1. Velveeta (a TRAVESTY!)
2. Chick fil A (Not fussed by that one, quite frankly)
3. Waffle House
3 things I'd like before the decade is up
1. Sexbot
2. Supermarkets close to me to start selling Velveeta
3. skeletal replacement surgery
1. Sexbot
2. Supermarkets close to me to start selling Velveeta
3. skeletal replacement surgery
February 14, 2025 at 1:13 PM
3 things I'd like before the decade is up
1. Sexbot
2. Supermarkets close to me to start selling Velveeta
3. skeletal replacement surgery
1. Sexbot
2. Supermarkets close to me to start selling Velveeta
3. skeletal replacement surgery
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitless
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitless
If you're singles, there's no witness, and you're feeling kinda listless
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitleeeessssss!
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitless
If you're singles, there's no witness, and you're feeling kinda listless
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitleeeessssss!
February 14, 2025 at 6:19 AM
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitless
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitless
If you're singles, there's no witness, and you're feeling kinda listless
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitleeeessssss!
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitless
If you're singles, there's no witness, and you're feeling kinda listless
If you're single and you know it, grope yourself shitleeeessssss!
Synaesthesia.
It sounds more fun than it tastes.
It sounds more fun than it tastes.
February 7, 2025 at 11:46 AM
Synaesthesia.
It sounds more fun than it tastes.
It sounds more fun than it tastes.
Y'ever look at someone and think "I'll bet you were a rusty speculum in a past life, weren't you"?
January 29, 2025 at 2:58 PM
Y'ever look at someone and think "I'll bet you were a rusty speculum in a past life, weren't you"?
The record for slices of American cheese eaten before going blind is 64.
I want to try to beat this record by eating 65 slices but American cheese is difficult to get hold of where I live.
CURSES!
I want to try to beat this record by eating 65 slices but American cheese is difficult to get hold of where I live.
CURSES!
January 27, 2025 at 8:41 AM
The record for slices of American cheese eaten before going blind is 64.
I want to try to beat this record by eating 65 slices but American cheese is difficult to get hold of where I live.
CURSES!
I want to try to beat this record by eating 65 slices but American cheese is difficult to get hold of where I live.
CURSES!
As long as dogs like me, I'll be alright.
January 23, 2025 at 9:47 AM
As long as dogs like me, I'll be alright.
No horny jail can hold me!
January 6, 2025 at 2:24 AM
No horny jail can hold me!
For videos on cooking poultry on a spit, look up meatspin.
December 25, 2024 at 1:21 AM
For videos on cooking poultry on a spit, look up meatspin.
I can do without the shmaltzy christmas carols though. Music like that is why I'm rarely without a music player.
December 21, 2024 at 11:55 AM
I can do without the shmaltzy christmas carols though. Music like that is why I'm rarely without a music player.
3 days and change to Christmas.
If the worst thing that happens to me tomorrow is I can't get the cheese spread I like, I will be doing pretty well.
If the worst thing that happens to me tomorrow is I can't get the cheese spread I like, I will be doing pretty well.
December 21, 2024 at 11:52 AM
3 days and change to Christmas.
If the worst thing that happens to me tomorrow is I can't get the cheese spread I like, I will be doing pretty well.
If the worst thing that happens to me tomorrow is I can't get the cheese spread I like, I will be doing pretty well.
If I was a published writer I would include a pack of variously sized googly eyes with each book. Don't like how the person on the front is looking at you? Googly-eyes them!
December 13, 2024 at 12:07 PM
If I was a published writer I would include a pack of variously sized googly eyes with each book. Don't like how the person on the front is looking at you? Googly-eyes them!
Porn site: "Are you alone right now?"
Me: "Of course, dickhead. You really think I wanna be masturbating to this stuff with an audience in the room?"
Me: "Of course, dickhead. You really think I wanna be masturbating to this stuff with an audience in the room?"
December 8, 2024 at 2:04 PM
Porn site: "Are you alone right now?"
Me: "Of course, dickhead. You really think I wanna be masturbating to this stuff with an audience in the room?"
Me: "Of course, dickhead. You really think I wanna be masturbating to this stuff with an audience in the room?"
If you feel like wearing a turkey on your head this on christmas this year, you should do it.
December 6, 2024 at 1:24 PM
If you feel like wearing a turkey on your head this on christmas this year, you should do it.