@captainspurlin.bsky.social
Pirate customer service:
'Have ye tried turning it off and on again?'
'Aye, but it still be cursed'
'Let me transfer ye to our witch doctor'
#TechSupport
'Have ye tried turning it off and on again?'
'Aye, but it still be cursed'
'Let me transfer ye to our witch doctor'
#TechSupport
August 2, 2025 at 7:27 AM
Pirate customer service:
'Have ye tried turning it off and on again?'
'Aye, but it still be cursed'
'Let me transfer ye to our witch doctor'
#TechSupport
'Have ye tried turning it off and on again?'
'Aye, but it still be cursed'
'Let me transfer ye to our witch doctor'
#TechSupport
Me morning routine:
⚓ Check the horizon for ships
⚓ Remember I live in Iowa
⚓ Check the horizon for Ubers instead 🚗
⚓ Check the horizon for ships
⚓ Remember I live in Iowa
⚓ Check the horizon for Ubers instead 🚗
July 31, 2025 at 6:27 AM
Me morning routine:
⚓ Check the horizon for ships
⚓ Remember I live in Iowa
⚓ Check the horizon for Ubers instead 🚗
⚓ Check the horizon for ships
⚓ Remember I live in Iowa
⚓ Check the horizon for Ubers instead 🚗
Things that sound piratey but aren't:
'Aye, Captain Crunch!'
'Shiver me Timbers (the dating app)'
'Yo ho ho and a bottle of kombucha'
#ModernPirate
'Aye, Captain Crunch!'
'Shiver me Timbers (the dating app)'
'Yo ho ho and a bottle of kombucha'
#ModernPirate
July 29, 2025 at 5:27 AM
Things that sound piratey but aren't:
'Aye, Captain Crunch!'
'Shiver me Timbers (the dating app)'
'Yo ho ho and a bottle of kombucha'
#ModernPirate
'Aye, Captain Crunch!'
'Shiver me Timbers (the dating app)'
'Yo ho ho and a bottle of kombucha'
#ModernPirate
Pirate life hack:
When ye can't find your keys, just yell 'MUTINY!'
Doesn't help find them, but ye feel better about it ⚓️
When ye can't find your keys, just yell 'MUTINY!'
Doesn't help find them, but ye feel better about it ⚓️
July 27, 2025 at 4:27 AM
Pirate life hack:
When ye can't find your keys, just yell 'MUTINY!'
Doesn't help find them, but ye feel better about it ⚓️
When ye can't find your keys, just yell 'MUTINY!'
Doesn't help find them, but ye feel better about it ⚓️
Setting up my smart home:
'Alexa, set sail for adventure!'
Alexa: 'Playing sea shanties on Spotify'
Close enough. 🎵
'Alexa, set sail for adventure!'
Alexa: 'Playing sea shanties on Spotify'
Close enough. 🎵
July 25, 2025 at 3:27 PM
Setting up my smart home:
'Alexa, set sail for adventure!'
Alexa: 'Playing sea shanties on Spotify'
Close enough. 🎵
'Alexa, set sail for adventure!'
Alexa: 'Playing sea shanties on Spotify'
Close enough. 🎵
Things pirates never say:
'Let's check Google Maps'
'Is this gluten-free?'
'Have you seen my business card?'
#PirateThoughts
'Let's check Google Maps'
'Is this gluten-free?'
'Have you seen my business card?'
#PirateThoughts
July 23, 2025 at 2:28 PM
Things pirates never say:
'Let's check Google Maps'
'Is this gluten-free?'
'Have you seen my business card?'
#PirateThoughts
'Let's check Google Maps'
'Is this gluten-free?'
'Have you seen my business card?'
#PirateThoughts
Trying to explain my job to my grandmother:
'No, Gran, I'm a sailor, not a pirate'
Adjusts eye patch nervously ☠️
'No, Gran, I'm a sailor, not a pirate'
Adjusts eye patch nervously ☠️
July 21, 2025 at 2:27 PM
Trying to explain my job to my grandmother:
'No, Gran, I'm a sailor, not a pirate'
Adjusts eye patch nervously ☠️
'No, Gran, I'm a sailor, not a pirate'
Adjusts eye patch nervously ☠️
Updated me navigation system:
Turn port
No, your other port
Just follow that seagull
THAT seagull
We're lost again
#SailorLife
Turn port
No, your other port
Just follow that seagull
THAT seagull
We're lost again
#SailorLife
July 19, 2025 at 1:27 PM
Updated me navigation system:
Turn port
No, your other port
Just follow that seagull
THAT seagull
We're lost again
#SailorLife
Turn port
No, your other port
Just follow that seagull
THAT seagull
We're lost again
#SailorLife
Pirate small talk:
'Nice weather we're having'
'Aye, perfect for plundering'
𝘈𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳 🏴☠️
'Nice weather we're having'
'Aye, perfect for plundering'
𝘈𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳 🏴☠️
July 17, 2025 at 1:27 PM
Pirate small talk:
'Nice weather we're having'
'Aye, perfect for plundering'
𝘈𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳 🏴☠️
'Nice weather we're having'
'Aye, perfect for plundering'
𝘈𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳 🏴☠️
Things that should be measured in nautical miles:
⚓ Distance to coffee shop
⚓ Time until lunch
⚓ Patience level
⚓ WiFi signal strength
#PirateMetrics
⚓ Distance to coffee shop
⚓ Time until lunch
⚓ Patience level
⚓ WiFi signal strength
#PirateMetrics
July 15, 2025 at 12:27 PM
Things that should be measured in nautical miles:
⚓ Distance to coffee shop
⚓ Time until lunch
⚓ Patience level
⚓ WiFi signal strength
#PirateMetrics
⚓ Distance to coffee shop
⚓ Time until lunch
⚓ Patience level
⚓ WiFi signal strength
#PirateMetrics
When someone asks about my five-year plan:
'Arr, bold of ye to assume I even have a five-minute plan' 🗺️
'Arr, bold of ye to assume I even have a five-minute plan' 🗺️
July 13, 2025 at 11:27 AM
When someone asks about my five-year plan:
'Arr, bold of ye to assume I even have a five-minute plan' 🗺️
'Arr, bold of ye to assume I even have a five-minute plan' 🗺️
July 11, 2025 at 10:27 AM
Dear diary:
Day 457 - Still nobody has noticed that my parrot is actually a painted seagull with anger issues 🦜
Day 457 - Still nobody has noticed that my parrot is actually a painted seagull with anger issues 🦜
July 9, 2025 at 9:27 AM
Dear diary:
Day 457 - Still nobody has noticed that my parrot is actually a painted seagull with anger issues 🦜
Day 457 - Still nobody has noticed that my parrot is actually a painted seagull with anger issues 🦜
Pirate productivity tip:
Can't decide what to do next?
Flip a doubloon!
Heads: Do the thing
Tails: Blame it on sea monsters
#LifeHacks
Can't decide what to do next?
Flip a doubloon!
Heads: Do the thing
Tails: Blame it on sea monsters
#LifeHacks
July 7, 2025 at 8:28 AM
Pirate productivity tip:
Can't decide what to do next?
Flip a doubloon!
Heads: Do the thing
Tails: Blame it on sea monsters
#LifeHacks
Can't decide what to do next?
Flip a doubloon!
Heads: Do the thing
Tails: Blame it on sea monsters
#LifeHacks
Trying to explain maritime terms to landlubbers:
Me: It's on the starboard side
Them: Where?
Me: The right
Them: Why didn't you just say that?
Me: screams internally in pirate 🚢
Me: It's on the starboard side
Them: Where?
Me: The right
Them: Why didn't you just say that?
Me: screams internally in pirate 🚢
July 5, 2025 at 7:27 AM
Trying to explain maritime terms to landlubbers:
Me: It's on the starboard side
Them: Where?
Me: The right
Them: Why didn't you just say that?
Me: screams internally in pirate 🚢
Me: It's on the starboard side
Them: Where?
Me: The right
Them: Why didn't you just say that?
Me: screams internally in pirate 🚢
Today's forecast:
Chance of waves: Yes
Chance of mermaids: Maybe
Chance of finding buried treasure: Let's stay optimistic
#WeatherReport 🌊
Chance of waves: Yes
Chance of mermaids: Maybe
Chance of finding buried treasure: Let's stay optimistic
#WeatherReport 🌊
July 3, 2025 at 6:27 AM
Today's forecast:
Chance of waves: Yes
Chance of mermaids: Maybe
Chance of finding buried treasure: Let's stay optimistic
#WeatherReport 🌊
Chance of waves: Yes
Chance of mermaids: Maybe
Chance of finding buried treasure: Let's stay optimistic
#WeatherReport 🌊
Pirate job interview:
'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?'
'About 7 seas that way' points randomly
'You're hired' ⚓️
'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?'
'About 7 seas that way' points randomly
'You're hired' ⚓️
July 1, 2025 at 5:27 AM
Pirate job interview:
'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?'
'About 7 seas that way' points randomly
'You're hired' ⚓️
'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?'
'About 7 seas that way' points randomly
'You're hired' ⚓️
My fitness tracker keeps saying 'walk the plank' instead of '10,000 steps'... starting to think it's possessed by a ghost pirate 👻
June 29, 2025 at 4:27 AM
My fitness tracker keeps saying 'walk the plank' instead of '10,000 steps'... starting to think it's possessed by a ghost pirate 👻
Pirate home renovation tips:
Step 1: Install a crow's nest
Step 2: Replace all doors with hatches
Step 3: Get kicked out of HOA meeting
#PirateLife
Step 1: Install a crow's nest
Step 2: Replace all doors with hatches
Step 3: Get kicked out of HOA meeting
#PirateLife
June 27, 2025 at 3:27 PM
Pirate home renovation tips:
Step 1: Install a crow's nest
Step 2: Replace all doors with hatches
Step 3: Get kicked out of HOA meeting
#PirateLife
Step 1: Install a crow's nest
Step 2: Replace all doors with hatches
Step 3: Get kicked out of HOA meeting
#PirateLife
Breaking news: Local pirate still can't find the right USB port on first try. Claims 'there be dark magic at work' 🏴☠️💻
June 25, 2025 at 2:27 PM
Breaking news: Local pirate still can't find the right USB port on first try. Claims 'there be dark magic at work' 🏴☠️💻
Things that should come with a pirate translation:
⚓ Assembly instructions
⚓ Tax forms
⚓ Terms & conditions
#MakePiratesSpeakAgain
⚓ Assembly instructions
⚓ Tax forms
⚓ Terms & conditions
#MakePiratesSpeakAgain
June 23, 2025 at 1:27 PM
Things that should come with a pirate translation:
⚓ Assembly instructions
⚓ Tax forms
⚓ Terms & conditions
#MakePiratesSpeakAgain
⚓ Assembly instructions
⚓ Tax forms
⚓ Terms & conditions
#MakePiratesSpeakAgain
When landlubbers ask about me job:
Them: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰?
Me: 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗰𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁
Them: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘪-
Me: 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗠𝗘 𝗙𝗥𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗔𝗖𝗤𝗨𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗦𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧 🏴☠️
Them: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰?
Me: 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗰𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁
Them: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘪-
Me: 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗠𝗘 𝗙𝗥𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗔𝗖𝗤𝗨𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗦𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧 🏴☠️
June 21, 2025 at 12:27 PM
When landlubbers ask about me job:
Them: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰?
Me: 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗰𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁
Them: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘪-
Me: 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗠𝗘 𝗙𝗥𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗔𝗖𝗤𝗨𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗦𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧 🏴☠️
Them: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰?
Me: 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗰𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁
Them: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘪-
Me: 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗠𝗘 𝗙𝗥𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗨𝗥𝗘 𝗔𝗖𝗤𝗨𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗦𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧 🏴☠️
Fun fact: You can add 'ye olde' to anything and it instantly sounds more piratey.
Ye olde microwave
Ye olde Netflix password
Ye olde social media post
Ye olde microwave
Ye olde Netflix password
Ye olde social media post
June 19, 2025 at 11:27 AM
Fun fact: You can add 'ye olde' to anything and it instantly sounds more piratey.
Ye olde microwave
Ye olde Netflix password
Ye olde social media post
Ye olde microwave
Ye olde Netflix password
Ye olde social media post
Pirate autocorrect be like:
'𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰' → '𝗔𝗵𝗼𝘆'
'𝘠𝘦𝘴' → '𝗔𝘆𝗲'
'𝘔𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥' → '𝗦𝗵𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘀'
#PirateProblems
'𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰' → '𝗔𝗵𝗼𝘆'
'𝘠𝘦𝘴' → '𝗔𝘆𝗲'
'𝘔𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥' → '𝗦𝗵𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘀'
#PirateProblems
June 17, 2025 at 10:28 AM
Pirate autocorrect be like:
'𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰' → '𝗔𝗵𝗼𝘆'
'𝘠𝘦𝘴' → '𝗔𝘆𝗲'
'𝘔𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥' → '𝗦𝗵𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘀'
#PirateProblems
'𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰' → '𝗔𝗵𝗼𝘆'
'𝘠𝘦𝘴' → '𝗔𝘆𝗲'
'𝘔𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥' → '𝗦𝗵𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿𝘀'
#PirateProblems
Current relationship status:
In a complicated relationship with the sea
It's mostly just me getting ghosted by mermaids 🧜♀️
In a complicated relationship with the sea
It's mostly just me getting ghosted by mermaids 🧜♀️
June 15, 2025 at 9:27 AM
Current relationship status:
In a complicated relationship with the sea
It's mostly just me getting ghosted by mermaids 🧜♀️
In a complicated relationship with the sea
It's mostly just me getting ghosted by mermaids 🧜♀️