Chris Flanigan
@captainflanet.bsky.social
If you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew? You would see the biggest gift would be from me. Don't mind me, I'm just the fill in.
My friend gave me some of his urine in a jar so I could pass a drug test. I still failed. Which is really weird because I drank the whole jar.
December 23, 2024 at 8:22 PM
My friend gave me some of his urine in a jar so I could pass a drug test. I still failed. Which is really weird because I drank the whole jar.
I wonder, do tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think, "I'd tap that"?
December 17, 2024 at 2:04 PM
I wonder, do tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think, "I'd tap that"?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until they speak.
December 14, 2024 at 12:26 PM
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until they speak.
"I" before "e" except after "Old McDonald had a farm".
December 13, 2024 at 6:16 PM
"I" before "e" except after "Old McDonald had a farm".
I put a pair of nice warm boxers on as soon as they came out of the dryer this morning. You should have seen the look on the old lady's face who works in the laundromat.
December 13, 2024 at 12:38 AM
I put a pair of nice warm boxers on as soon as they came out of the dryer this morning. You should have seen the look on the old lady's face who works in the laundromat.
You don't realize what a burden pants are until you get home from work.
December 11, 2024 at 7:05 PM
You don't realize what a burden pants are until you get home from work.
I wonder who it was that passed up the opportunity to call astronomers 'skyentists'?
December 10, 2024 at 4:05 PM
I wonder who it was that passed up the opportunity to call astronomers 'skyentists'?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
December 10, 2024 at 3:34 AM
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The first rule of Women's Fight Club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about.
December 5, 2024 at 4:25 PM
The first rule of Women's Fight Club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about.
Over the weekend I had the chance to check out a concert starring the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.
It was weird. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
It was weird. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
December 4, 2024 at 1:44 PM
Over the weekend I had the chance to check out a concert starring the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.
It was weird. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
It was weird. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
I found a mime passed out at my door this morning. His car broke down last night and he came for help but no one could hear him knocking.
December 1, 2024 at 2:58 PM
I found a mime passed out at my door this morning. His car broke down last night and he came for help but no one could hear him knocking.
Not many great Black Friday sales this year. Picked up a few 4k disks and some gifts for others, but nothing really got me excited like 10-15 years ago. Have the sales gotten worse or have I aged out of Black Friday?
November 29, 2024 at 8:55 PM
Not many great Black Friday sales this year. Picked up a few 4k disks and some gifts for others, but nothing really got me excited like 10-15 years ago. Have the sales gotten worse or have I aged out of Black Friday?
After all these years, I have finally learned the difference between "your" and "you're". So their you go.
November 28, 2024 at 11:42 PM
After all these years, I have finally learned the difference between "your" and "you're". So their you go.
We never knew how good we truly had it.
November 27, 2024 at 10:16 PM
We never knew how good we truly had it.
If sex with three people is a threesome, I now understand why they call me handsome.
November 25, 2024 at 2:26 PM
If sex with three people is a threesome, I now understand why they call me handsome.
A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.
At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.
At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.
November 24, 2024 at 9:54 PM
A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.
At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.
At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.
If two blind people are dating, would you say that they are seeing each other?
November 22, 2024 at 3:19 PM
If two blind people are dating, would you say that they are seeing each other?
I see everyone joining and posting the games they are into, what about movies? Let's be friends if you like:
🥊Rocky series🥊
🚫Ghostbusters🚫
🦈Jaws🦈
🔪Friday the 13th series🔪
🚗Back to the Future🚗 (no real good emoji for that one)
🎃Halloween 3: Season of the Witch🎃
📼Mostly any 80s movie!!📼
🥊Rocky series🥊
🚫Ghostbusters🚫
🦈Jaws🦈
🔪Friday the 13th series🔪
🚗Back to the Future🚗 (no real good emoji for that one)
🎃Halloween 3: Season of the Witch🎃
📼Mostly any 80s movie!!📼
November 20, 2024 at 4:05 PM
I see everyone joining and posting the games they are into, what about movies? Let's be friends if you like:
🥊Rocky series🥊
🚫Ghostbusters🚫
🦈Jaws🦈
🔪Friday the 13th series🔪
🚗Back to the Future🚗 (no real good emoji for that one)
🎃Halloween 3: Season of the Witch🎃
📼Mostly any 80s movie!!📼
🥊Rocky series🥊
🚫Ghostbusters🚫
🦈Jaws🦈
🔪Friday the 13th series🔪
🚗Back to the Future🚗 (no real good emoji for that one)
🎃Halloween 3: Season of the Witch🎃
📼Mostly any 80s movie!!📼
I had my prostate examined yesterday, and at least now I know for sure. It's time to get a new dentist.
November 20, 2024 at 4:05 PM
I had my prostate examined yesterday, and at least now I know for sure. It's time to get a new dentist.
November 19, 2024 at 7:56 PM
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. For the people who *do* like country music, denigrate means 'to put down'.
November 19, 2024 at 7:56 PM
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. For the people who *do* like country music, denigrate means 'to put down'.
Is there anyone out there who actually wants Jake Paul to win this fight tonight? I haven't seen anyone that isn't part of his crew that supports him.
November 19, 2024 at 7:56 PM
Is there anyone out there who actually wants Jake Paul to win this fight tonight? I haven't seen anyone that isn't part of his crew that supports him.
Sometimes to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand. It's part of an effort to sound more photosynthesis.
November 19, 2024 at 7:56 PM
Sometimes to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand. It's part of an effort to sound more photosynthesis.
Success is like a fart. It only seems to bother people when it's not their own.
November 19, 2024 at 7:56 PM
Success is like a fart. It only seems to bother people when it's not their own.
Just applied to be in a porno, the ad says male applicants must be more than 7". I'm so in... I'm 5'10"!
November 19, 2024 at 7:56 PM
Just applied to be in a porno, the ad says male applicants must be more than 7". I'm so in... I'm 5'10"!