Burger Bard
LightNews LightNews
banner
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard
@burgerbard.bsky.social
170 followers 350 following 34 posts
A kingly delight in every bite!
Posts Replies Media Videos
burgerbard.bsky.social
It's true, @difegue.tvc-16.science made the software for this!
A Burger Bard Crystalectrics game. A plastic LCD handheld. It is the "treasure hunt" game, either Halmon's Egg Hunt or the Bard's Burger Hunt
October 21, 2025 at 9:23 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
‪
Burger Bard Crystalectrics Sports Games (3/3)
KING BEAREON: There are none alive who would remember it, but once upon a time, your favorite King was a varsity athlete. I've slowed down over the years but I've still got it. Like the old days. Catching the pigskin and breaking hearts. HALMON EGGS: I found an egg! HONEY HASH BRUIN: Heartbreak is as inevitable as the tides. yet I cannot believe we were meant to carry the weight of a human soul alone. My only crime is that I loved too much. But that was crime enough. I’ll be punished by love til the moon and sun fall from the sky. HALMON EGGS: I found another egg! TACO SAL: Hell of a game to play as an alcoholic. Feel like I'm shooting my own demons. Turns out I haven’t lost my aim. Wait. Something’s wrong. It’s like a dream. We live on the eggshell edge of a dream. There’s a man watching from the window, in the armor of a medieval ... CAPTION: There's 19 exciting Crystalectrics LCD handheld sports games you can play on the go! Collect them all in six designs and a variety of fun colors. But hurry! When they’re gone they’re gone forever!
October 20, 2025 at 9:10 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard Crystalectrics Sports Games (2/3)
GLOOMY WOLF: Nyahuhuhoo! My creation is a slam dunk! One does like to be keeping in shape. And dear Beefenschtein, if you can be stopping me getting the ball in the ball basket, oh let's say I'll buy you a toy. BEEFENSCHTEIN: PONY. GLOOMY WOLF: You have enough with the ponies. BAT MAGIC: The Chicken Witch is a deadly foe, but there's one thing she doesn't know. Into this vent I'll throw a heater, Fireballs hot enough to defeat her. The fate of the kingdom is at stake but methinks we'll have a chicken bake. CHICKEN WITCH: [A weakness of the magic crowd: We say our secret plans out loud.] FRENCHIE: I dunno about the fate of the kingdom. I just like to play volleyball, and hope everyone has fun. no need for politics. CURLY: And you're the greatest person alive. But women playing sports is political. Under patriarchy. Because some men need to feel superior to all women. VIBES: Radically political, dudes! New Yolk City can be a dangerous place. Doesn't make sense. Why are there giant spiked balls everywhere? And I collect trophies? Can I have soda instead? nice cold bevvy. CAPTION: Soda Get!
October 20, 2025 at 9:09 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard Crystalectrics Sports Games
BURGER BARD: Whew, slow down old chum! This isn't a race. KOLA BEAR: Haven't you heard? Everybody's racing to Burger Bard to try the new Crystalectrics sports games! BURGER BARD: Okay but you've got to warn me in advance about these things. I'm the face of the brand and I can't be seen lagging behind. I had two hamburgers and I feel like I'm going to throw up. KOLA BEAR: Delicious Burger Bard hamburgers are a healthy way to start your day! BURGER BARD: They're really not. Unless you dismiss the idea entirely that some foods are healthier than others. KOLA BEAR: I can! BURGER BARD: You need to get your calories either way. We're built to seek out high calorie foods. It's filling, it's something to eat, it's fine. We’ll cut this part out. Good ad read though. KOLA BEAR: Thanks! I live for your approval! BURGER BARD: Unhealthy but honest. Why do I have three arms?
October 20, 2025 at 9:08 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard: Race Cars
GLOOMY WOLF: Nyahuhuhoo! At fast my lastest creation comes to horrible life! The Lyco-motive! Fast as a silver bullet, a motorized monster on four wheels. I'm feeling the necessity for velocity! BEEFENSCHTEIN: Speed. GLOOMY: You always know the right words to say. VIBES: Rise and slime, slowpokes. DJ Vibes and Honey Hash Bruin are playing the hits and coming right at you with this sporty little number that's got more horse power and girl power than anything else on the road. The Rose Roadstar. HONEY: We were calling it The Pink Princess. VIBES: Til I came up with something cooler. HONEY: You should respect my wishes. Bears used to rule this land. VIBES: Did you race cars back then? HONEY: All we did was race cars. VIBES: Hot. HALMON EGGS: How do you like them rotten apples? Are we just gonna stand here and let the dames win? KING BEAREON: Quite possibly. I'm thinking about it. Over the years I learned it's wise to let the lady win once in awhile. As long as she knows who she's coming home with. HALMON: Well, you can't beat a classic. Like the Limousina Legendaria. No modern safety features. Drive in style, drive fast and dangerously. CURLY: Frenchie, my dearest companion, I don't want to seem impulsive and forward, but there's something I've wanted to ask you for awhile.* FRENCHIE: Oh Curly, you shy and unimpulsive fool! Of course I'll race cars with you in our Bunny Buggy. A new twist on a favorite!* FRENCHIE: We hear there’s a golden prize! Wouldn’t that be nice?* BAT MAGIC: My next performance just requires one high powered engine and four new tires. Whether right-side-up, or upside-down, the Magic Machine's the fastest car in town. CHICKEN WITCH: (I'll steal this car and win the race with magic! I'm not sure how this advances my political goals but it's something to do.) BAT MAGIC: (Methinks this witch is not so bright. You know that I can see you, right?) BURGER BARD: What a wondiferous lineup of autobomiles! And the best and most popularrific is my very own Cheeseburger Coupe! I’m sure that I will win this race, but who will take home second place? KOLA BEAR: Everybody wins, when you get one toy free in every Burger Bard Feast Meal! There's six cars to collect, with pull back and go action and two different drivers! Including me, Kola Bear! You get a kingly delight in every bite of Burger Bard original hamburgers! BURGER BARD: That's my line. (Six cars are racing on an asphalt track. Gloomy Wolf in the Lyco-motive, Vibes in the Rose Roadstar, King Artemel Beareon in the Limousina Legendaria, the Burger Bard in the Cheeseburger Coupe, Frenchie in the Bunny Buggy, and the Chicken Witch in the Magic Machine ... They are close together but are currently "winning" in that order.)
July 24, 2025 at 8:32 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Issue Ten of ARG Digest Magazine. Burger Bard is featured in a two-page spread. Issue Ten of ARG Digest Magazine. Burger Bard is featured in a two-page spread, titled "Burger Bard Behind the Scenes." Illustrations include Burger Bard, Curly and Frenchie, Vibes and the Chicken Witch.
May 12, 2025 at 4:05 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
HALMON EGGS: Ground control to space station Ark. There's been a fuel leak. Five astronauts are stranded in space. I've missed a hot breakfast and the cosmonauts keep calling me "comrade." We can't afford any miscalculation. HONEY HASH BRUIN: We can't afford any what? HALMON EGGS: Take the numbers, Miss Calculation. We're refueling, in space. Kola Bear, are you listening, or are you trying to drink orange juice in zero gravity? KOLA BEAR: Snerp? VIBES: Wow, far out!* BURGER BARD: Another successful mission, gang! When we all work together, across the world, even the sky's not the limit! FRENCHIE: We could have died! ANNOUNCER (?): And you can refuel back on Earth with a Burger Bard Space Meal! Four space pods to collect in four different colors, with games and stickers! That's one small soft drink and fries, one great meal for mankind!
February 5, 2025 at 8:59 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard Big Book: Coloring & Activity

244 pages of fun!

archive.org/details/burg...

Comics, coloring pages, character bios, a word search, mazes, "find the difference," coupons and Nonogram puzzles.
January 4, 2025 at 9:35 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard on the high seas, with Soakey
CURLY: "Call me Ishmael." FRENCHIE: Call me hungry! KOLA BEAR: (seasick) Call me a cab. (urph) VIBES: There she blows! BURGER BARD: It's a sea monster. VIBES: I see. (Burger Bard and Kola Bear are now in a canoe rowing away from Soakey.) BURGER BARD: Faster, Mr. Kola! It must want our delicious Burger Bard fish sandwiches! SOAKEY: That's right! KOLA BEAR: I'm rowing as fast as I can, captain. BURGER BARD: Look out, there's a net! KOLA BEAR: Who's Annette? (The Fry Friends are playing beach volleyball.) FRENCHIE: Do you mind? I'm trying to serve. SOAKEY: Halp! Halp! Extradicate me immediately! I've been bewitched, wamboozled and bamwizzled! CURLY: Wow, you caught a big one. BURGER BARD: Now let's serve up some delicious Burger Bard fish sandwiches. BURGER BARD: It's good to be back on shore. VIBES: Sure! KOLA BEAR: Yo ho ho and a medium sized soft drink! BAT MAGIC: Early in the morning, and open all night! SOAKEY: That's right! BURGER BARD: Now that's what you do with a hungry sailor.
December 14, 2024 at 10:49 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard and Vibes
ANNOUNCER: Vibes the Y2Cat is the Sporty one. She is a terrific athlete, an elite computer hacker, and best skater in the kingdom. BURGER BARD: It's still impossible for me to get used to this redesign. VIBES: Okay. Check out this neat kickflip I can do. BURGER BARD: It always felt so cynical, trying too hard. Pure market research, like, okay, we need the cool girl on the team now. VIBES: You think I'm cool? BURGER BARD: You're like a whole different person. VIBES: Cool. You should try it sometime. BURGER BARD: What, changing myself radically? VIBES: I do everything radically. Maybe you're stuck in the past. BURGER BARD: Do I look like I'm (stuck in the past)? Don't answer that. VIBES: Do you think your on-camera persona is entirely your own creation, uninformed by societal and market factors under capitalism? Because you too have been focus grouped, my friend. BURGER BARD: It's not the same thing. VIBES: Why not? BURGER BARD: Because I've been doing this my whole life. VIBES: I know. I was there. BURGER BARD: Were you?I thought we agreed you weren't him. VIBES: Look champ, I'm happy to contain multitudes if it gets you to shut up about policing how I perform gender. BURGER BARD: After the good times we had together ... VIBES: You hated him for being a nerd. And he hated himself. BURGER BARD: Yeah, but I liked hating him. I don't like hating you. VIBES: Then don't. BURGER BARD: ...Okay. SINGERS: You get a kingly delight in every bite of Burger Bard original hamburgers!
December 14, 2024 at 10:46 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
A Burger Bard film noir, with Halmon Eggs and Honey Hash-Bruin
HALMON EGGS: I knew she was trouble the minute she stepped into my door. But trouble is one of my favorite weaknesses. HONEY HASH BRUIN: Oh Hal, I missed breakfast, and I'm dying for a hearty meal. HALMON EGGS: You've come to the wrong place, Honey. This ain't no greasy spoon joint. This ain't no jazz club either. I don't do that anymore. HONEY HASH BRUIN: Oh, but you must remember this. HALMON EGGS: A Burger Bard hamburger. Hmm, this could be the start of a beautiful meal. HONEY HASH BRUIN: You really mean it? HALMON EGGS: Play it again, Burger Bard. BURGER BARD: The finest burgers in the land, at Burger Bard they're in your hand.
December 14, 2024 at 10:41 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
A Burger Bard Western, with Taco Sal, Kola Bear and Honey Hash-Bruin
KOLA BEAR: Oh, I'm all out of juice. HONEY HASH BRUIN: Tired, cowboy? How about a toasted honey hash brown to wake you up? (Taco Sal enters) CURLY: It's Taco Sal! TACO SAL: You might think that you're the best, but I'm the fastest taco in the West. BURGER BARD: Can we talk about this? TACO SAL: Draw, partner. KOLA BEAR: Would you accept finger painting? (Taco Sal shoots an empty bottle) HONEY HASH BRUIN: Wow, that's cold-blooded. KOLA BEAR: Bang, and things of that nature. FRENCHIE: It's a showdown! CURLY: It's high noon! HONEY HASH BRUIN: And you know what that means! BURGER BARD: Lunchtime! With my delicious Burger Bard hamburgers! TACO SAL: And my all-beef spicy tacos. HONEY HASH BRUIN: My hero. KOLA BEAR: My lunch. (laughs)
December 14, 2024 at 10:39 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard and the Chicken Witch
CHICKEN WITCH: Eye see you, Burger Bard! To this land you've brought a curse, but I'll do something that is worse. CHICKEN WITCH: Alakazam and roll the dice, I turn your dinner to frozen ice! Caw ba-kaw! BURGER BARD: It's the chicken witch! She's frozen our delicious Burger Bard chicken sandwiches! BAT MAGIC: Soon this witch will take her leave. I've got something up my sleeve. KOLA BEAR: It's a magic battle! BAT MAGIC: It's a magic bat! CHICKEN WITCH: Eye of newt and snail's slime, you aren't stopping me this time! BAT MAGIC: Really, witch? Because I think not. Revenge is best served piping hot! CHICKEN WITCH: Caw ba-kaw! BAT MAGIC: All that excitement made me hungry. CHICKEN WITCH: You've already lost, all of you! You can wield the unblinking eye, but you can't control it! One day it will control you! Glub! BURGER BARD: But we can control our hunger, with delicious Burger Bard chicken sandwiches! CHICKEN WITCH: They never listen.
December 14, 2024 at 10:35 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard: Breakfast on the farm (90s)
HALMON EGGS: Good morning, good morning, good morning from the farm. There's ham and eggs and sausage too, served piping hot and warm. CURLY: A bagel? FRENCHIE: A French croissant! CURLY: An English Muffin too. FRENCHIE: At Burger Bard our breakfast time's a good morning to you! HONEY HASH BRUIN: Our toasted honey hash browns will wake you up and get you moving. KOLA BEAR: I like mine with orange juice. BURGER BARD/HALMON EGGS: At Burger Bard our breakfast time's a good morning to you! VIBES: Good vibes. BAT MAGIC: Open early, open all night!
December 14, 2024 at 10:32 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard, Gloomy Wolf and Beefenschtein
GLOOMY: My greatest creation! It's alive! Nyahuhuhoo! BEEFENSCHTEIN: Beef. GLOOMY: And just in time. Being a mad scientist makes me hungry like a wolf. BEEFENSCHTEIN: Beef. GLOOMY: Beefenschtein's powerful sense of smell will lead me to the hamburger dinner I crave. BURGER BARD: Did someone say hamburgers? GLOOMY: Burger Bard! BEEFENSCHTEIN: Beef. GLOOMY: Beefenschtein, no! (Beefenschtein charges. Gloomy is knocked into his equipment and electric-shocked. He survives but is singed.) BURGER BARD: You can be a real monster when you're hungry. Let's experiment with some delicious Burger Bard hamburgers. KOLA BEAR: And a large soft drink. SINGERS: You get a kingly delight in every bite of Burger Bard original hamburgers! GLOOMY: My experiment is a success! BEEFENSCHTEIN: Beef.
December 14, 2024 at 10:28 PM
burgerbard.bsky.social
Burger Bard and King Beareon
KING BEAREON: I'm still hungry, but everyone's asleep. Oh, wishing star. My kingdom for a cheeseburger! BURGER BARD: Did someone say cheeseburger? KING BEAREON: Burger Bard! BAT MAGIC: Star light, star bright, our drive-thru window is open all night! BURGER BARD: Your kingdom is safe, there's no need to fight. Burger Bard cheeseburgers are a kingly delight. CURLY: And don't forget the fries!
December 14, 2024 at 10:26 PM