I'm in the office today. I just walked by one of our conference rooms, and the door was open with 7 or 8 VPs inside. From inside the room, I heard:

"Hey Siri, is it safe to eat expired chocolate?"
"IT IS GENERALLY FINE TO EAT EXPIRED CHOCOLATE AS LONG AS..."
"See? I don't care, I'm eating it."

Updated saddest six word story:

𝓛𝓮𝓰𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓪𝓻𝔂 $² draft cubby, never used.

I am sure it is great but I would rather chop my arm off then click on your podcast link that you left in your review of Cruella on Letterboxd.

I'm just here to read the reviews of Francis Ha to try and feel something, anything, again.

My new favorite thing is adding “we lost a lot of good men that day” at the end of stories while staring into the distance like a grizzled war vet.

“What did you do this weekend?”

“Oh we went to this bomb ass farmers market for local honey & homemade candles. We lost a lot of good men that day.”

I slipped and fell coming down the stairs this morning. It does make me a little sad that I have hit the age where my wife has to ask me if i’m okay before she can legally laugh.

Dear Spotify,

I promise that anytime I search "gho", I never want to listen to Ghost. Ever. It is always Ghostface Killah.

Donald Trump, convincing his supporters that other countries pay the tariffs

I feel like half the time I spend watching any movie older than 20 years, is spent looking up how much inflation has changed.

"It's 1933 so we'll ask for a ransom of $10,000!"

<googles $10,000 in 1933 money vs today>

Every single moment in my life would have been made better by adding a Cherry Icee.

Someone turned off Trigger Warning and turned on A Madea Homecoming but started it thirty minutes in so i’m trying to follow the plot.

I’m at a 13 year old’s birthday party. I know maybe four other adults. My social battery is on empty. Someone turned on the 2024 Jessica Alba movie Trigger Warning. This is my personal hell.

Not gonna lie though, Pottersville kind of rules.

Also George sucks and doesn’t deserve Mary. I don’t care if he redeems himself in the third act, Mary deserves better.

Halfway through my first time watching Its A Wonderful Life and I really wonder who watches this as a kid growing up in South Africa and is like, “you know that Potter is who I want to be when I grow up.”

Listen, I know we are true loves or whatever, but like can we talk about your presents over the last week? I mean, I like pears and the rings are nice but what do you expect me to do with 69 various birds?! Wait. Who are all these milk maids behind you?! IS THAT MORE BIRDS?!

Today is my daughter’s 13th birthday. She’s hanging out with one of her friends and while they were talking her friend said,” that makes no sense”. My daughter told her, “you’ll understand it when you get older.” Her friend turns 13 in a month.

Cool thing about having a kid born in November is going to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving just for balloons.

I just wish the “3” in the “13” hadn’t come untied and blown into a tree in the parking lot while everyone watched. Walking back into the store with just a “1” was humbling.

This gas station is cool and all but I wish I could find something that represents me as a person and my beliefs. Wait-

Coworker brought the new hire around to meet everyone while I was eating lunch at my desk. My mouth said, "nice to meet you" but my eyes said, "please don't tell anyone you saw me eating dry chicken tenders."